My Project Two Paper Critiques by Peers
Christopher Contreras
“It is basically impossible. Might as well give up. Then again, it is that glimmering quality, that beautiful reflection in the mirror, that unique essence of solid identity that defines humanity.”
Suggestion for Revision: For me, this sentence was a non-sequiter. I do not understand the connection between the “unique essence” or “solid identity” you are talking about. So, because there is no clear reference, I cannot make an accurate word to word rewrite. I STRONGLY recommend some clarity when editing this portion of the paper.
“Given the impossibility of this situation, one must give up. Talk about x-glimmering quality, reflection and solid identity. It is this glimmering quality, that beautiful reflection in the mirror, the unique essence of solid identity which defines humanity.”
Specificity— 3.
Some parts of your paper are wanting in specificity. You do a great job at imposing original claims and analysis, but you do not always follow them through. For example, you write: “The literature does not feed Alice's imagination, hinting at her young age and respective maturity.” In this quote, you answer WHAT hints at Alice’s young age and respective maturity, but you fail to go beyond this. Doing so harms your paper and you miss an important question – the WHICH. Which aspects of this book hint at Alice’s maturity, HOW does it hint at Alice’s maturity. Follow through with your ideas. In this specific example, what about Alice’s youth makes her unable to appreciate her sister’s readings.
Here is a second example. You write, “Throughout the story, Alice has significant difficulty achieving the proper size necessary, implying her difficulty in establishing her subject position within the Wonderland discourse.” Like a cartoon, there are a bunch of question marks floating above my head. The wording in this sentence is incredibly vague and abstract. The words “necessary” and “proper” are redundant, and I am unsure of what you mean by subject position. I feel this is thesaurus language: a mix of words inorganic to your lexicon, or words you are trying to force. Tone it down a bit and this should help with your specificity. When you try to say so much at once, you sometimes don’t say anything at all.
Conciseness—3
For conciseness, I would like to draw your attention to a line at the end of your paper. Let this be an example for your entire paper:
“At the end of Tim Burton's film adaptation, Alice constantly refuses to accept the responsibility of slaying the Red Queen's Jabberwocky, "a deadly creature" she will kill on "Frabjous day", the foretold day Alice will defeat the Jabberwocky; subsequently, Alice will free Underland from the oppressive rule of the Red Queen.”
This is one long sentence. There is a theme in your paper: you try to say a lot of really important things in one sentence. For conciseness, you want to avoid this. Try breaking apart complex ideas like this into many sentences, or trim the extra information. I suspect your lack of conciseness is solely responsible for a lack of specificity. As is, the language is dense and extremely confusing.
Suggestion for Revision: For me, this sentence was a non-sequiter. I do not understand the connection between the “unique essence” or “solid identity” you are talking about. So, because there is no clear reference, I cannot make an accurate word to word rewrite. I STRONGLY recommend some clarity when editing this portion of the paper.
“Given the impossibility of this situation, one must give up. Talk about x-glimmering quality, reflection and solid identity. It is this glimmering quality, that beautiful reflection in the mirror, the unique essence of solid identity which defines humanity.”
Specificity— 3.
Some parts of your paper are wanting in specificity. You do a great job at imposing original claims and analysis, but you do not always follow them through. For example, you write: “The literature does not feed Alice's imagination, hinting at her young age and respective maturity.” In this quote, you answer WHAT hints at Alice’s young age and respective maturity, but you fail to go beyond this. Doing so harms your paper and you miss an important question – the WHICH. Which aspects of this book hint at Alice’s maturity, HOW does it hint at Alice’s maturity. Follow through with your ideas. In this specific example, what about Alice’s youth makes her unable to appreciate her sister’s readings.
Here is a second example. You write, “Throughout the story, Alice has significant difficulty achieving the proper size necessary, implying her difficulty in establishing her subject position within the Wonderland discourse.” Like a cartoon, there are a bunch of question marks floating above my head. The wording in this sentence is incredibly vague and abstract. The words “necessary” and “proper” are redundant, and I am unsure of what you mean by subject position. I feel this is thesaurus language: a mix of words inorganic to your lexicon, or words you are trying to force. Tone it down a bit and this should help with your specificity. When you try to say so much at once, you sometimes don’t say anything at all.
Conciseness—3
For conciseness, I would like to draw your attention to a line at the end of your paper. Let this be an example for your entire paper:
“At the end of Tim Burton's film adaptation, Alice constantly refuses to accept the responsibility of slaying the Red Queen's Jabberwocky, "a deadly creature" she will kill on "Frabjous day", the foretold day Alice will defeat the Jabberwocky; subsequently, Alice will free Underland from the oppressive rule of the Red Queen.”
This is one long sentence. There is a theme in your paper: you try to say a lot of really important things in one sentence. For conciseness, you want to avoid this. Try breaking apart complex ideas like this into many sentences, or trim the extra information. I suspect your lack of conciseness is solely responsible for a lack of specificity. As is, the language is dense and extremely confusing.
Adam Amrani
Alexis:
Original: Given the parallels between each of the Alices' discourses in Wonderland, the young Alice's confrontation with the Queen and consequent loss of innocence mirrors the adolescent Alice's defeat of the Red Queen and her tragic, yet inevitable loss of childhood innocence.
Revision: Adult Alice’s defeat confrontation with the Queen and thus loss of innocence in the movie mirrors the adolescent Alice’s defeat of the Red Queen and her tragic, yet inevitable loss of childhood innocence in the book.
Specificity: 4
You break into a lot of abstractions throughout this essay that could be easily cleared up. I’ll put some examples down here but these certainly aren’t exhaustive of the complete work.
“Consequently, Hamish will propose to her at this festivity”
I’m unsure of who this is.
“Given the equilibrium effect, Alice forms a new identity and discourse that can defeat the mighty Jabberwocky”
What equilibrium effect are you talking about?
“Only in his presence does Alice finally form a discourse suitable to defeat the Jabberwocky”
what do you mean when you say “discourse”
Conciseness: 4
You write extremely large paragraphs and some wordy sentences, and repeat some ideas in the essay. It seems that at one point you list all the comparisons you could find between the film and the essay in one large paragraph. Try to break this up into smaller paragraphs comparing the two in more specific topics.
“Just as Absolem helps the child Alice form her identity, he also impacts the adolescent Alice.”
You established this previously, no need to repeat.
All that said, also make sure to proofread once you turn in your final project. It was interesting reading about the film in this light, as I’ve never seen it. Cool topic.
-Adam
Alexis:
Original: Given the parallels between each of the Alices' discourses in Wonderland, the young Alice's confrontation with the Queen and consequent loss of innocence mirrors the adolescent Alice's defeat of the Red Queen and her tragic, yet inevitable loss of childhood innocence.
Revision: Adult Alice’s defeat confrontation with the Queen and thus loss of innocence in the movie mirrors the adolescent Alice’s defeat of the Red Queen and her tragic, yet inevitable loss of childhood innocence in the book.
Specificity: 4
You break into a lot of abstractions throughout this essay that could be easily cleared up. I’ll put some examples down here but these certainly aren’t exhaustive of the complete work.
“Consequently, Hamish will propose to her at this festivity”
I’m unsure of who this is.
“Given the equilibrium effect, Alice forms a new identity and discourse that can defeat the mighty Jabberwocky”
What equilibrium effect are you talking about?
“Only in his presence does Alice finally form a discourse suitable to defeat the Jabberwocky”
what do you mean when you say “discourse”
Conciseness: 4
You write extremely large paragraphs and some wordy sentences, and repeat some ideas in the essay. It seems that at one point you list all the comparisons you could find between the film and the essay in one large paragraph. Try to break this up into smaller paragraphs comparing the two in more specific topics.
“Just as Absolem helps the child Alice form her identity, he also impacts the adolescent Alice.”
You established this previously, no need to repeat.
All that said, also make sure to proofread once you turn in your final project. It was interesting reading about the film in this light, as I’ve never seen it. Cool topic.
-Adam
Christina Squiers
Your paper brought a very interesting perspective to a movie I hate! Good job picking an interesting topic. However, I have some serious problems with your writing style. I understand you're trying to go for a very personal, colloquial style, but it just doesn't work out right. You have many proofreading errors, and the spacing of your paragraphs is erratic.
"Everyone faces it, everyone goes through adolescent growth, and everyone is drowning in the demands, pressures, and influences of society. Thus, the true grasp of nirvana and identity is lost. C'est la vie."
The pressures, demands, and pains of going through puberty is universal to every young person. Therefore, nirvana and identity are lost in this whirlwind time.
Specificity: (3) You give short, abstract sentences a lot that don't help further your point. In fact, I'm a little unsure of what the entire theme of your paper is. However, here is a specific example of what I'm talking about:
he is not properly invited to sit with them, so she is unwelcome at first. Alice attempts to instruct the guests on proper etiquette. By doing so, Alice attempts to influence the discourse she is in.
What? What do you mean by discourse?
Conciseness: Woah dude, you have an issue with the length of your paragraphs. Your second to last paragraph is very large, and addresses many different subjects. You should look at that one more carefully and see if you can split it up into several different paragraphs so you have, at least, a more aesthetically pleasing paper.
"Everyone faces it, everyone goes through adolescent growth, and everyone is drowning in the demands, pressures, and influences of society. Thus, the true grasp of nirvana and identity is lost. C'est la vie."
The pressures, demands, and pains of going through puberty is universal to every young person. Therefore, nirvana and identity are lost in this whirlwind time.
Specificity: (3) You give short, abstract sentences a lot that don't help further your point. In fact, I'm a little unsure of what the entire theme of your paper is. However, here is a specific example of what I'm talking about:
he is not properly invited to sit with them, so she is unwelcome at first. Alice attempts to instruct the guests on proper etiquette. By doing so, Alice attempts to influence the discourse she is in.
What? What do you mean by discourse?
Conciseness: Woah dude, you have an issue with the length of your paragraphs. Your second to last paragraph is very large, and addresses many different subjects. You should look at that one more carefully and see if you can split it up into several different paragraphs so you have, at least, a more aesthetically pleasing paper.
Cameron Mcneel
Hey dude,
I would really work on sharpening up the knife's edge with this paper. The overall idea is a good one, but the execution falls a little flat. The paper seems a bit muddled in an attempt to convey ideas intelligently. Don't worry about that. Words don't have to have more than three syllables to get the point across.
Otherwise, good job, and have fun
I would really work on sharpening up the knife's edge with this paper. The overall idea is a good one, but the execution falls a little flat. The paper seems a bit muddled in an attempt to convey ideas intelligently. Don't worry about that. Words don't have to have more than three syllables to get the point across.
Otherwise, good job, and have fun
Christine Scott
Original sentence: "Tim Burton's Alice nor Carroll's Alice has a sense of identity."
Revised: "Neither Tim Burton's Alice nor Carroll's Alice has a sense of identity."
Specificity-4: Sometimes you go into far too much detail with summarizing. Other times, you make abstract statements that don't have much support. If you can balance these two, clarifying the abstract statements with evidence and explanation, you'll be much better off.
Conciseness-2: Basically, throughout the entire essay, you take a long time to say not very much. You repeat ideas a lot. Don't be totally discouraged by the low score, though; it's not that you spend the whole essay beating a dead horse and need to start over, it's just that in almost every paragraph, you repeat that paragraph's central idea a couple times. If you cut out the repetition and especially stop using so many long words where a few short ones will suffice, I think you'll be better off.
A few other things: First off, you're misusing words. "Discourse" means "conversation." "Demise" means "Death." "Dire" can be used mean "urgent," as in to be in dire need of something, but "direly" doesn't mean "urgently," it means "perilously." There might be more that I didn't catch, so you should probably read over your paper and look up the definitions of words you aren't 100% sure about. Also, watch your summary--a couple times, you just narrate what happens in the book or movie without making any real connections. As a final note, you might want to explain that the Red Queen and the Queen of Hearts are two different characters in the book but a composite character in the movie.
Revised: "Neither Tim Burton's Alice nor Carroll's Alice has a sense of identity."
Specificity-4: Sometimes you go into far too much detail with summarizing. Other times, you make abstract statements that don't have much support. If you can balance these two, clarifying the abstract statements with evidence and explanation, you'll be much better off.
Conciseness-2: Basically, throughout the entire essay, you take a long time to say not very much. You repeat ideas a lot. Don't be totally discouraged by the low score, though; it's not that you spend the whole essay beating a dead horse and need to start over, it's just that in almost every paragraph, you repeat that paragraph's central idea a couple times. If you cut out the repetition and especially stop using so many long words where a few short ones will suffice, I think you'll be better off.
A few other things: First off, you're misusing words. "Discourse" means "conversation." "Demise" means "Death." "Dire" can be used mean "urgent," as in to be in dire need of something, but "direly" doesn't mean "urgently," it means "perilously." There might be more that I didn't catch, so you should probably read over your paper and look up the definitions of words you aren't 100% sure about. Also, watch your summary--a couple times, you just narrate what happens in the book or movie without making any real connections. As a final note, you might want to explain that the Red Queen and the Queen of Hearts are two different characters in the book but a composite character in the movie.
WIlliam Tangey
The Sentence: The movie portrays adolescent Alice in her first meeting with the Caterpillar in a very similar way as the book portrays the younger Alice in her first meeting the Absolem.
The Revision: The film portrays Alice's first meeting with the sagely insect much the same way the book does.
Conciseness: 3 - This is really more a personal pet peeve of mine, but you spent quite a lot of time reminding the reader of things you'd already established. We know Alice personifies curiosity. We know Alice has an adventurous nature. You also summarize events quite a bit throughout the paper. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but make sure the meaning of different events comes through more than the descriptions of them.
Specificity: 4 - While you do include a great number of quotes supporting your summaries and analyses, it would have been nice to see some supplementary material from the movie. Maybe see if the script is accessible for set directions and such or track down some interviews or director commentary. I'm sure there are plenty of things available considering how recently the movie was made and how relatively well-known it is.
Also kinda unrelated, but you keep using 'peak' or 'peaked' when I think you mean 'pique'. You also mention 'rights of passage' which should be 'rites'.
The Revision: The film portrays Alice's first meeting with the sagely insect much the same way the book does.
Conciseness: 3 - This is really more a personal pet peeve of mine, but you spent quite a lot of time reminding the reader of things you'd already established. We know Alice personifies curiosity. We know Alice has an adventurous nature. You also summarize events quite a bit throughout the paper. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but make sure the meaning of different events comes through more than the descriptions of them.
Specificity: 4 - While you do include a great number of quotes supporting your summaries and analyses, it would have been nice to see some supplementary material from the movie. Maybe see if the script is accessible for set directions and such or track down some interviews or director commentary. I'm sure there are plenty of things available considering how recently the movie was made and how relatively well-known it is.
Also kinda unrelated, but you keep using 'peak' or 'peaked' when I think you mean 'pique'. You also mention 'rights of passage' which should be 'rites'.
Blake Earl
“While Alice continues her journey through Wonderland, she struggles to realize she must adapt to the new discourse she resides in, finding her inner strength and courage to do the impossible, toaccomplish what is just, to bring down the oppressive rule of the Red Queen.”
“As Alice journey’s through Wonderland, she struggles to adapt to her new surroundings and fails to find her inner strength and courage. She must realize this before she can do the impossible, what is just; to bring down the oppressive rule of the Red Queen.”
Specificity: 4
I could definitely tell what you were getting at, but I had to make an effort. Some sentences were too convoluted and had to be navigated to be understood. I think your main flaw is the misuse of repetition to create emphasis.
Conciseness: 3
While reading your paper, I got the feeling a lot of it is plot summary with little focus on the significance tied to it.
Both values are tied to the sense I got while reading your paper that you were really going for that word count limit, opposed to expressing your ideas effectively.
“As Alice journey’s through Wonderland, she struggles to adapt to her new surroundings and fails to find her inner strength and courage. She must realize this before she can do the impossible, what is just; to bring down the oppressive rule of the Red Queen.”
Specificity: 4
I could definitely tell what you were getting at, but I had to make an effort. Some sentences were too convoluted and had to be navigated to be understood. I think your main flaw is the misuse of repetition to create emphasis.
Conciseness: 3
While reading your paper, I got the feeling a lot of it is plot summary with little focus on the significance tied to it.
Both values are tied to the sense I got while reading your paper that you were really going for that word count limit, opposed to expressing your ideas effectively.
Sasha Henry
Hmm.
Specificity: 4
The content was specific, but the evidence used, the images. I was glad you were sticking with Burton's pictures which is what you were writing about all along, but then you threw in the 1950s Disney picture and then I'm pretty sure the last one is from Burton's. I don't know, but that threw me off!
Conciseness: 4
Like Blake says his critique, I notice more plot summary and little significance brought from it. Bring out meaning from it.
Lewis Carroll's Adventures in Wonderland should be italicized, right? Maybe it's because it's on blackboard.
Otherwise, it's a good paper. I've been able to see exhibits of Tim Burton's sets up close and in person before. So the topic really interests me! He's great. Did he do enough justice to Lewis Carroll though? I wonder what he would think of all the content that has sprung forth from him. :)
Specificity: 4
The content was specific, but the evidence used, the images. I was glad you were sticking with Burton's pictures which is what you were writing about all along, but then you threw in the 1950s Disney picture and then I'm pretty sure the last one is from Burton's. I don't know, but that threw me off!
Conciseness: 4
Like Blake says his critique, I notice more plot summary and little significance brought from it. Bring out meaning from it.
Lewis Carroll's Adventures in Wonderland should be italicized, right? Maybe it's because it's on blackboard.
Otherwise, it's a good paper. I've been able to see exhibits of Tim Burton's sets up close and in person before. So the topic really interests me! He's great. Did he do enough justice to Lewis Carroll though? I wonder what he would think of all the content that has sprung forth from him. :)
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