My Critiques of My Peers' Project Two Papers
Critique of Aaron Levine
"The last way in which Lewis Carroll broke down the confines of language was through philosophy, that is the philosophy of words and their meaning."
Suggested edit: Through the philosophy of words and their meanings, Carroll is able to use this technique as his concluding strategy to describe the confines of language.
Conciseness: 3. Your ideas are great but sometimes I had to reference previous paragraphs in order to understand the train of progression of the essay. In theory, it should be an easy read through and the reader should be able to go through without having to scroll back and forth from paragraphs.
Organization: 4. Apart from the occasional scrolling to look at previous paragraphs, everything seemed well organized neat. It was easy for me to understand what your thesis was and you made a point to reference that in each individual paragraph from that point forward, I really liked that aspect of it. You had an idea and you stuck by it.
Critique of Adam Amrani
1) Organization and Logical Order of the Prose: 6
Considering the paper is informative rather than argumentative, it flows pretty well between the translations of Alice via text and film. The transitions and introduction sentences transition examples pretty well. The only thing that stuck out to me was the strength of the "Film Adaptation" section. i would divulge deeper into the similarities and differences between movie adaptations in different languages, specifically Arabic. The analysis and information seems rushed and too concise. I would expand at least one more specific occurrence in the movie where translation appears significantly different, affecting the overall message, theme, social commentary, etc.
Original: "The duck character later finds his place within a group of black swans, perhaps in a combination of Alice and The Ugly Duckling. The case for animal ethics that we see highlighted in the original version of Alice is transformed into a sort of child’s allegory in these adaptations. The chance for small lessons is later taken again when Alice meets the smoking caterpillar in this adaptation, who uses his smoke to signal the help of a group of ducks. His smoke makes him sick, thus providing children a useful message to not smoke."
Revision: In addition to allegorical references, the film adaption provides audience underlying social commentary and activism. Alice's encounter with the Caterpillar hints at the health implications of smoking. The Caterpillar utilizes his smoke to signal the help of a group of ducks, and his habitual smoking makes him sick. The detrimental effects of smoking are voiced through the Caterpillar, thus translating a public deterrence of such.
***I would examine at least one more example in film that provides a different meaning from the original text via translation.
2) Word Choice: 5
I agree with Chis that you use "translation" too often, and of course, that can be fixed with sentence structure and active voice. I also noticed you use the word "this" quite often as a an unnecessary modifier, so try and delete those as much as possible (I made the same error throughout my project 1 and 2).
Original: "The act of “translation” allows this author to truly re-write a text, and to bring his own set of belief systems and rhetorical situation into the subject. Some might consider this interpretational re-writing of a text to be blasphemy in the case of Carroll because “Our immediate reaction when we encounter difference is to refuse that difference.”
Revision: "The act of “translation” allows the author to truly re-write a text, and to bring his own set of belief systems and rhetorical situation into the subject. Some might consider the interpretational re-writing of a text to be blasphemy in the case of Carroll because “Our immediate reaction when we encounter difference is to refuse that difference.”
Critique of Blake Earl
"In the picture above, you can see the number of doors and Alice’s confusion as she tries to pick one. "
Revision: As shown in the picture above, you see the number of doors and Alice's confusion as she attempts to chose one.
Organization: 4. Everyone has mentioned and commented on the fluidity of this essay and I have to agree that although it is concise when certain points are addressed but the overall cohesiveness doesn't work well and sound neat.
Specificity: 5. As Katherine and Chris have mentioned, there are some abrupt interruptions in your paper which cause for a bit of confusion. Sometimes you take 2 or 3 sentences to describe something that could be described in one. The connections aren't concisely made wisely. With just a bit of clarification and revision, this could be easily fixed.
Critique of Cameron Mcneel
1) Proofreading: 4
So…there are quite a few errors with proofreading and punctuation, so make sure to re-read your essay at least twice for errors. There are minor spelling errors and grammatical errors that just need review.
Original: "Mind altering drugs have a tendency to make the brain do things it would never do normally. Colors appear more colorful, simple moments like a bird flying past begin to take on significance well beyond the norm."
Revision: "Mind-altering drugs amplify visually stimulating experiences, altering one's perception. Colors appear more colorful, and simple observations take on significance well beyond the norm. "
2) Punctuation: 4
You have a tendency to misuse or not utilize commas appropriately, and it really weakens your paper. For example, the quote below proves to be rather confusing because of its jumbled contents. You can simplify ideas and confusing sentences by providing separations in thought.
Original: "That Hopkins and Carroll for all their beauty and love lived in a vacuum, and academics for that matter, live in a vacuum."
Revision: "Hopkins and Carroll, with all their beauty and love, lived in a vacuum, as does academics."
Critique of Catherine Edsel
"In Hopkins’s mind, nature and God could not be separated. This connection is largely the reason why he was so concerned and appalled by mankind’s lack of respect and destruction of nature. "
Revision: In Hopkins' mind, nature and God could not be separated and any the lack of respect or destruction of nature appalled him.
Conciseness - 5. I couldn't find many ambiguous words or sentences through out your essay, great job!
Word Choice - 3. "The beauty of nature directly led to the beauty of God’s work on earth. In observing and exploring nature, many people felt closer to God. Nature is so wild, complicated, and beautiful that it offered hope to those seeking answers. Hopkins’s poetry focused largely on nature but there is almost always a religious aspect as well. In Hopkins’s mind, nature and God could not be separated."
Nature is used five times alone in these few sentences.
Critique of Christina Squiers
Word Choice: 4
You seem to have just used thesaurus to create synonyms and a more professional style of writing, but your voice is left unheard. Try rephrasing sentences that are framed backwards or awkwardly, and cut out all unnecessary modifiers.
Original:
"Even more telling in Dodgson’s writing was his relationship with his mother."
"Surrounded by pupils who were not rough, not unwilling to learn, and, most importantly, not boys, Dodgson flourished as a teacher for the first time"
Revision:
"Even more telling in Dodgson’s writing was his relationship with his mother."***The sentence is very awkwardly phrased, and the simple meaning of the sentence is lost due to questionable word choice.
Revision- Dodgson's relationship with his mother is implied through their written correspondence.
"Surrounded by pupils who were gentle and willing to learn, Dodgson flourished as a teacher amongst his female students. "
Conciseness: 5
The paper flows pretty well, but I noticed you try and utilize grandiose words here and there, and they blatantly stick out. That can be fixed with an easy read through. More importantly, I noticed you have a pattern of starting sentences with prepositional phrases, as seen below. They can strengthen the flow of a paper, but only if used in moderation. It slows down the flow of your paper when you utilize prepositional phrases too much.
Original: "After attending one of these public schools, a student would expect to matriculate to one of the major English universities, Oxford or Cambridge. Again, at the time, neither of these schools, especially Christ Church College at Oxford, was renowned for academics, especially not mathematics. And like public schools, most of these universities were merely a quick pit stop for gentlemen on their way to managing their estates."
Revision: After attending one of these public schools, a student would expect to matriculate to one of the major English universities, Oxford and Cambridge. None of these schools were renowned for academics nor mathematics at the time. Most of these universities were merely a quick pit stop for gentlemen on their way to managing their estates.
Critique of Christine Scott
Unity, Coherence, and Flow: 4
The body paragraphs run together and seem like a list of ideas or bullet points. You need to transition each paragraph between ideas, and add more interpretation of the text and evidence utilized. You should work on introductory sentences to give the reader a better grasp of the analysis to come.
Original: "Although the song is called “White Rabbit,” this character does not actually make an appearance in the song. The song is called this because the White Rabbit is the character that first leads Alice into Wonderland—he is the cause of her discovery. Discovery is a major theme in this song, and the White Rabbit is yet another representation of the drugs that can lead to it. Like the White Rabbit himself, the drugs are not the cause of discovery—they simply lead the singer to start on the right path to discovery."
Revision: "The song is called "White Rabbit" because the rabbit leads Alice into Wonderland-- He is the cause of her discovery, seeing discovery is a repeated theme through the song. Thus, the White Rabbit is yet another representation of the drugs that can lead to it. The drugs are not the cause of discovery just as the White Rabbit is not—they simply lead the singer to start on the right path to discovery.
Conciseness: 5
The essay is pretty straightforward overall, but there are various instances of confusing wording and redundancy. You are almost too concise with the interpretation of the rebellious theme found within both book and song. The analysis is lacking and seemed rushed, so I would delete that section or go more in-depth.
Original:
"Another common theme in Alice in Wonderland and “White Rabbit” is that of rebellion. In the sixties, drug use was an extremely common way to rebel against society, particularly the older generations, which were much more strict…"
Revision:
***Go more in-depth with analysis and give various interpretations and commentaries on why rebellion is a revolving theme.
Critique of Christopher Contreras
1) Specificity and Evidence: 5
Your paper is strengthened by an array of evidence, but I think you should provide a little more analysis on all the evidence presented. The paper has a tendency to abruptly change between ideas, including the symptom descriptions as Jordan Millender stated. Below I provided an example of where I feel you should incorporate some more commentary and analysis. Try and not end paragraphs with quotes. Overall, I would review all your evidence and attempt to specify the focus of your argument some more; utilize the evidence to strengthen your argument by taking the analysis to the next level.
Original:
"Diary entries after 1885 reveal a continuous bout with migraines. In 1855, Carroll enters, ““ experienced, for the second time, that odd optical affection of seeing moving fortifications, followed by a head-ache.” [8]
Because Carroll endured symptoms prior to the books’ creation, it is likely a few of Alice’s experiences stem from Carroll’s migraine auras."
Revision:
"Diary entries after 1885 reveal a continuous bout with migraines. In 1855, Carroll enters, ““ experienced, for the second time, that odd optical affection of seeing moving fortifications, followed by a head-ache.” [8]*** Provide evidence here, and tie the quote back to the initial argument, bridging the gap between ideas.
Because Carroll endured symptoms prior to the books’ creation, it is likely a few of Alice’s experiences stem from Carroll’s migraine auras."
2) Word Choice: 5
The essay portrays its message with ease, and the word changes I found were few. Try and recite your paper to test the transitions and effectiveness of your word choice throughout the paper.
Original:
"Additionally, it seems Carroll still suffered from Todd’s Syndrome well after writing the two novels."
Revision: Well after writing his two Alice novels, Carol still suffered from Todd's Syndrome.
Critique of Hannah Voss
Organization: 4
Everything flowed decently, but just as Sasha noticed, I realized you start thee consecutive paragraphs with time stamps, so to create a better flow, alternate introductory statements.
Word Choice: 5
The word choice can be altered to strengthen the paper, try and replace weak verbs and adjectives with ones with stronger connotations. I did notice you have a tendency to create wordy sentences, which undoubtedly weaken your argument a a whole, so I would try and be more concise and delete many unnecessary modifiers.
Original: In November 1886, two years after having written his letter to Grace, Gerard Manley Hopkins met Katharine Tynan, at an event by which Tynan was sitting for a portrait being painted by the painter, John Painter Yeats, the host of the affair.
Revision:
In November 1886, two years after having written his letter to Grace, Gerard Manley Hopkins met Katharine Tynan. She was sitting for a portrait by John Painter Yeats, the painter hosting the affair.
Documentation: 5
I noticed as many others have that you used 22 for a citation superscript twice in your paper, so make sure to go back and fix that. Other than that, use short form citations for references to the same text throughout the paper.
Original: DeLaura, David J., and Gerard M. Hopkins. "Such Good Friends: Four Letters of Gerard Manley Hopkins to Katharine Tynan." Studies: An Irish Quarterly Review Winter 63.252 (1974): 389-96. Print.
Revision: DeLaura and Hopkins, Studies: An Irish Quarterly Review, 389-96.
Critique of Jordan Millender
1) Conciseness: 4
The paper moves pretty smoothly, but there are some unnecessary modifiers I noticed. You also had some awkward wording, so I would read your paper aloud to create a smoother flow of ideas. Also watch your spelling, as I noticed an error in this passage below. Make sure to speak in active, present tense, it strengthens your paper.
Original: "Unlike Tenniel, however, Hall captured vast amounts of space, color and dramatic movement in each piece. The settings are exaggerated with huge proportions of scale and action: Alice is dwarfed by her surroundings in most scenes and the characters seem to jump of the page."
Revision: Unlike Tenniel, Hall captures vast amounts of space, color, and dramatic movement in ear piece. The settings are exaggerated with huge proportions of scale and action; Alice is dwarfed by her surroundings in most scenes and characters seem to jump off the page."
2) Documentation: 4
Overall, the documentation is decent, but you need to check your Chicago guidelines. You also numbered two sources "3," even though they are found in separate sentences. Each reference to evidence needs a separate number, unless specified as the same source. Check your sources, as your order for footnote citation is wrong as well just as Katherine notes.
Original: The films were completed for his own animation project called “the Newman Laugh-O-Grams”, but it was not successful. [3] Afterwards, Disney left Kansas City to attempt a career in film production in Hollywood. Later on, his idea gained a second chance when a distributor screened the Alice project. From “1924-1926, the Disney Brothers Studio produced over fifty short Alice Comedies.” [3]
Revision: The films were completed for his own animation project called “the Newman Laugh-O-Grams”, but it was not successful. [3] Afterwards, Disney left Kansas City to attempt a career in film production in Hollywood. Later on, his idea gained a second chance when a distributor screened the Alice project. From “1924-1926, the Disney Brothers Studio produced over fifty short Alice Comedies.” [4]
Critique of Katherine Pipers
1) Conciseness: 3
The paper is very wordy, and trust me, I am known to write way too much, so I understand where you are coming from. You also have a lot of redundancy within your paper, or rephrase the same idea numerous times. The below example is an unnecessary sentence, which can be manipulated to transition ideas better.
Original: "One such example in which Carroll’s illustrations better convey details occurs when Alice eats the mushroom stalk."
Revision: Alice's consumption of the mushroom stalk is pivotal in Carroll's illustration of details.
2) Word Choice: 5
Overall, your word choice is great, but there are some repetitions here and there. Just do a read through and replace or delete such. You have a tendency to create wordy sentences like below. I would work on deleting unnecessary identifiers and modifiers.
Original: "While Carroll was simply an amateur illustrator who regretted not having the skills necessary to illustrate his own masterpiece and Tenniel was a professional illustrator, neither illustrator was stronger than the other in terms of how the information was conveyed in the art"
Revision: "Carroll was simply an amateur illustrator, and regretted not having the skills necessary to illustrate his own masterpiece. Tenniel was a professional,more suited for the job. However, neither illustrator was stronger in conveying messages through their art.
Critique of Megan Hanlon
Documentation: 3. I have to agree with everyone else about the Chicago style. I was not so sure how to do it either and it's a little bit trickier then I thought. WIth a bit of revision I think it would be really good.
Conciseness: 5. The structure of this essay was really good. I could understand all of your points without being left confused as to what you meant.
Original: "According to general chess strategy, beginners often try to develop the queen as quickly as possible when trying to get a checkmate early in the game, since she is the most powerful piece on the board."
Revision:"According to general chess strategy, beginners often try to develop the queen as quickly as possible. Since she is the most powerful piece on the board, it is vital to take her for an early checkmate."
This is one of the better essays I've read so far and I think you did an awesome job.
Critique of Michelle Lawrence
"Whether Carroll is lamenting the rigid deterioration of the education system through Humpty Dumpty’s proud, insulting demeanor and eventual shattering fall, ridiculing Victorian fashion and social decorum through the assorted pompous or absurd royalty of Wonderland and the looking-glass world, or likening animalistic or wild-minded political figures to elegantly dressed animals in Alice’ s dreams, Carroll pleads with his child readers not to repeat the mistakes of the past Victorian conventions."
Revision: I would consider breaking this sentence apart and creating fewer sentences out of it. I can sort of see where you're going with this thought but there needs to be more clarification.
Word Choice: 5. The vocabulary used in this was really vivid and I enjoyed reading through each sentence. While the sentence structure needed work, the word choice was smart.
Conciseness: 5.The sentence structure made the paper a little hard to understand. Some sentences could be shortened and that way the paper would be cleaner. Otherwise, it was very well written.
Critique of Sarah Robinson
Conciseness: 4
You should work on introductory sentences to give the reader a better grasp of the analysis to come., and delete all unnecessary modifiers, like adjective clauses, introductory prepositional phrases, etc. Work on your descriptors because they tend to be too much, and muddle the sentence.
Original: "Generally, tea was served at coffeehouses, but by the end of the eighteenth century, it was served increasingly more often in the home"
Revision: BY the end of the eighteenth century, tea was served in households significantly more than in coffeehouses.
Word Choice: 5
The essay is pretty straightforward overall, but there are various instances of confusing wording and redundancy. Overall the word choice is pretty good, but you have quite a few modifiers and unnecessary. Also, use more active voice rather than passive, as seen below. You use too many prepositional and dependent clauses at the start of sentences as well.
Original: "Brought to England from China in the mid-seventeenth century by Dutch traders,2 tea was at first considered a luxury that only the wealthy could afford. According to legend, Charles II’s Portuguese queen, Catherine of Braganza, made consumption of the beverage fashionable.3"
Revision: Dutch traders brought tea to England during the mid-seventeenth century, and considered a luxury that only the wealthy could afford. According to legend, Charles II’s Portuguese queen, Catherine of Braganza, made consumption of the beverage fashionable.3"
Critique of Sasha Henry
Organization: 2. I feel like there were parts of this essay that were a bit confusing. You went from one idea to another and it was hard to follow at some points. Just try tying the sentences better a bit more and connection your ideas.
Word Choice: 3. "The literary “Alice” and real Alice Liddell may be considered as the same person by common origin, but the one readers have been enthralled with over and over for almost an entire century and a half is the immortalized girl at the age of seven years old in Lewis Carroll’s Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and seven and a half in Through the Looking-Glass."
Original: In the “pleasance” of his life, Charles L. Dodgson enjoyed devoting himself to working in photography, attending theatrical performances, and entertaining his child-friends, which were all consequently among the many activities that were frowned upon by the Anglican Church.[1]
Revision:In the “pleasance” of his life, Charles L. Dodgson enjoyed devoting himself to working in photography, attending theatrical performances, and entertaining his child-friends. These were all consequently among the many activities that were frowned upon by the Anglican Church.[1]
The word choice in this sentence is a bit too wordy and needs some revision. I think you're trying to say too much in this sentence.
Critique of Valerie Arnold
1) Proofreading: 6
The paper does not have many significant errors not previously mentioned, so the paper has few grammatical and spelling errors that cannot be fixed without another proofread. I did notice some lack of comma use as well as overzealous use at times. I would review the handbook on comma use, and implement whenever it allows the paper to flow and transition smoothly and delete everywhere else.
Original: Writing style does change over the course of time as life events occur and Charles Dodgson’s handwriting is no exception.
Revision: Throughout a lifetime, writing styles fluctuate due to personal experiences, and Charles Dodgson's style is no exception.
2) Conciseness: 5
The paper flows very well, breaking down graphology to the audience into a form better understood. The paper guides the audience without much redundancy throughout Carroll's writings and the subsequent underlying meanings. However, there are quite a few sentences that can be reworded for a more concise meaning. You have a tendency to create verbose sentences, which are wordy and dilute the meaning of the paper as a whole. The following is a minor example, but try and focus on creating very smooth simple transitions between sentences.
Original: "Thus, accurate analysis requires much more time and skill than is possible to achieve in a short period of time."
Revision: As a result, accurate analysis requires significantly more time and experience.
Overall, the essay is absolutely fantastic, and I really enjoyed the topic, as I never really grasped graphology until after this essay. Keep up the good work, and review your grammatical usage and sentence structure.
Critique of William Gyrta
"There was a confusingly strange arc in the series where the “real” Mad Hatter was sent to an asylum and an imposter ran around for the better part of two decades collecting hats (he particularly wanted Batman’s mask for his collection, hence his involvement), but despite this strange dual-Hatter universe, the two character acted largely similar, and as recently as 2010 both seem to exist and continue to live on."
Revision: This was an extremely wordy sentence that definitely needs to be broken down.
"There was a strange arc in the series where the “real” Mad Hatter was sent to an asylum. An impostor ran around for the better part of two decades collecting hats (he particularly wanted Batman’s mask for his collection, hence his involvement). Despite this strange dual-Hatter universe, the two character acted largely similar.
Punctuation: 5. I only saw a few minor errors as well such as some run-ons and an excessive use of commas at a few points.
Conciseness: 6. The paper was easy to read and the transitions were smooth and straight forward.
Critique of William Tangney
Word Choice: 5
The word choice can be changed to strengthen the paper, because you use a lot of wordy phrasing and unnecessary modifiers, as seen below. I think you should do a re-read the paper out loud to hear the effectiveness of your wording.
Original: "He claims “we encounter the meaning of games by exploring their possibility spaces,”[6] so in spite of these so-called limitations, the rhetoric of video games defines itself within its own confines and allows the medium to convey ideas of say, the darker side of madness in Wonderland with a certain fresh effectiveness."
Revision: He claims “we encounter the meaning of games by exploring their possibility spaces.”[6] Thus, regardless of so-called limitations, the rhetoric of video games defines itself within its own confines, allowing the medium to convey the darker side of madness in Wonderland.
Specificity and "Concreteness": 5
Your paper provides the reader with fantastic evidence via examples of the visual effects of video games, but the overall message is muddled. I understand your thesis argues on the interpretations of visual media in video games, but I would add more commentary in regards to each example. Use the evidence to draw your argument back to Alice.
Original: "He claims “we encounter the meaning of games by exploring their possibility spaces,”[6] so in spite of these so-called limitations, the rhetoric of video games defines itself within its own confines and allows the medium to convey ideas of say, the darker side of madness in Wonderland with a certain fresh effectiveness.
(Paragraph Break)
Pac is but a simple working man, locked in an endless cycle of tedium and anxiety, constantly on the run from the ghosts of his past."
Revision: "He claims “we encounter the meaning of games by exploring their possibility spaces,”[6] so in spite of these so-called limitations, the rhetoric of video games defines itself within its own confines and allows the medium to convey ideas of say, the darker side of madness in Wonderland with a certain fresh effectiveness.**Go more in-depth with video games as a medium for voicing the darker side of Wonderland, and provide commentary.
(Paragraph Break)Create a transition between the two paragraphs because the topics change from Pokemon to Pac-man abruptly.
Pac is but a simple working man, locked in an endless cycle of tedium and anxiety, constantly on the run from the ghosts of his past."
