Valerie
1. Unity, Coherence, and Flow:
• Did the writing flow smoothly so you could follow the main argument?
• Can you find the main points?
• Are the transitions from one point to the next harsh, or do they transition naturally?
• Is the order developed and sustained within and across paragraphs using transitional devices?
• Is the introduction inviting?
• Is the conclusion satisfying?
• Do paragraphs deal with one subject?
Sentence to be Revised: "Before I begin analyzing any handwriting, it is important to explain some basic information about handwriting analysis."
Pointers: You can transition your paragraphs smoother by inputting introductory sentences that slowly dive into the topic rather than presenting them so quickly. I've always learned to try and avoid first person point of view when taking on formal writing, but I am not sure if Professor Bump has a preference. Also try and combine some of your separate paragraphs, seeing there are many that can be siphoned into singular ideas.
Revision: Handwriting analysis is subject to very specific guidelines and methodology, and thus, some vital components of the process must be explained.
Rating: 5
2. Organization and Logical Order of the Prose
7. Apparently perfect organization and logical order.
6. Very good: Effective organization and fairly logical order.
5. Good: Functional organization and fairly logical order.
4. Average: Consistent organization and some logical order, with some interruptions.
3. Poor : Confused arrangement and inconsistent logical order, with quite a few interruptions.
2. Very poor: Minimal control and little logical order, with many interruptions.
1. Disastrous: No apparent control, no logical order, no apparent organization.
Sentence to be Revised:"Finally, Dodgson’s correspondence to Bee (again with the huge letter B) from June 14th, 1891, gives me cause for concern. "
Pointers: Smoothy; transition this paragraph with the two prior to it, it reads very abrupt and the flow is ideas is very jumpy.
Revision: One other letter that stands out in Dodgson’s December 28th correspondence to May is the overly inflated letter “B,” when he writes, “Be sure…” Such a large letter “B” exposes a person who needs to attract attention. This is no surprise for a person of Dodgson’s literary skill. He was definitely an entertainer. Even in Dodgson’s correspondence to Bee (again with the huge letter B) from June 14th, 1891, the attention deficit falls hand in hand with far more serious concerns..
Rating: 6
3.Specificity and "Concreteness"
Does the essay move easily between general and specific? Are claims supported by specific, detailed evidence and/or examples? Does concrete language anchor the essay, engaging the senses, and keeping it from becoming too vague? Are the basic stories and/or emotions behind the essay shown or demonstrated in personal, specific, concrete examples, images, metaphors, similes, and/or supporting sensory details that enable us to experience the world through another’s perspective?
Sentence to be Revised:" One other letter that stands out in Dodgson’s December 28th correspondence to May is the overly inflated letter “B,” when he writes, “Be sure…” Such a large letter “B” exposes a person who needs to attract attention. This is no surprise for a person of Dodgson’s literary skill. He was definitely an entertainer."
Pointers:Try and provide further insight and commentary regarding his script.
Revision: Provide more analysis at the end after "He was definitely an entertainer."
Rating: 5
4. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric
• IS THE ORGANIZATION OF THE VISUAL AND VERBAL RHETORIC CLEAR?
• ARE THE IMAGES/MULTIMEDIA ESSENTIAL TO THE ESSAY OR NOT?
• ARE THE IMAGES/MULTIMEDIA DISCUSSED, OR AT LEAST REFERRED TO, IN THE TEXT?
• ARE THE IMAGES/MULTIMEDIA PLACED NEXT TO THE WORDS THAT CONNECT TO THEM?
Sentence to be Revised:N/A
Pointers: The visual and verbal rhetoric complement each other very well, as they are both needed to fully argue the script of Lewis Carroll. Just as earlier stated, try and provide more analysis and commentary in regards to his writing style and its deeper meaning when investigating the persona of Lewis Carroll
Revision:
Rating: 6
5. Proofreading: Typos, Spelling, and Grammar Errors
7 There are no apparent grammar, spelling, or proofreading errors.
6 There are one or two minor errors, but the prose flows fairly well.
5 There are two or three minor errors, but the prose moves along well enough.
4 There are a number of errors that force the reader to hesitate, however briefly, to figure out what the writer intended. There is some doubt as to how much of the assigned reading on spellchecks, and proofreading has been read or understood. In as much as half of the essay the flow would benefit from better proofreading.
3 Apparently not much of the assigned reading on spellchecks and proofreading has been read or understood, forcing the reader often to hesitate, however briefly, to figure out what the writer intended. In as much as two-thirds of the essay the flow would benefit from better proofreading.
2. The author appears often unaware of the appropriate use of grammar, spellchecks,and proofreading, and most of the flow of the essay suffers as a result.
1. The proofreading, and/or spelling, and/or grammar is atrocious and the essay does not flow at all.
Sentence to be Revised: N/A
Pointers: I couldn't find any obvious mistakes off bat, and I say just alternate syntactical structure in regards to simple and complex sentences a little more to strengthen the argument.
Revision:N/A
Rating: 6
6. Documentation
7. All the images and quotations are fully documented perfectly according to the University of Chicago documentation system.
6 All the images and quotations are documented according to the University of Chicago documentation system, but there are one or two minor errors.
5 All the images and quotations are documented according to the University of Chicago documentation system, but there are two or three minor errors.
4 Not all the images and quotations are documented according to the University of Chicago documentation system. There is some doubt as to how much of the reading in the handbook on the University of Chicago documentation system has been read or understood. A third or so of the images and/or quotations need better documentation.
3 Apparently not much of reading in the handbook on the University of Chicago documentation system has been read or understood, forcing the reader often to hesitate, however briefly, to figure out what the writer's sources are. Most of the images and/or quotations need better documentation.
2. The author appears unaware of the University of Chicago documentation system.
1. The author appears unaware of the need for documentation.
Sentence to be Revised:N/A
Pointers:N/A
Revision:N/A
Rating: 7
7. Punctuation:
7 The author has used punctuation like a great composer uses musical notation and as a result the prose flows beautifully. The punctuation appears to be perfect.
6 The punctuation guides the reader effectively, and there are no obvious moments of hesitation or stumbling as a result, but the punctuation could probably work even better if revised.
5 The punctuation is generally effective, but there are one or two places where it could be changed, added, or removed to improve the flow of the essay.
4 There is some doubt as to how much of the assigned reading on punctuation has been read or understood. In as much as half of the essay the flow would benefit from changing, adding, or removing punctuation.
3 .Not much of the assigned reading on punctuation has been read or understood. In as much as two-thirds of the essay the flow would benefit from changing, adding, or removing punctuation.
2. The author appears unaware of the appropriate use of many modes of punctuation, and most of the flow of the essay suffers as a result.
1. The punctuation is atrocious and the essay does not flow at all.
Sentence to be Revised:One other letter that stands out in Dodgson’s December 28th correspondence to May is the overly inflated letter “B,” when he writes, “Be sure…” Such a large letter “B” exposes a person who needs to attract attention.
Pointers: Try and prevent wordiness by utilizing commas, etc.
Revision:In Dodgson's December 28th correspondence to May, it is interesting to note the enlargement of the letter "B," which exposes the need for attention.
Rating: 5
8. Word Choice:
7 The diction is fresh, witty, and very specific. You cannot see anywhere that it could possibly be improved.
6 You cannot see how the diction might be easily improved, but it is not very witty, fresh, or striking.
5 The diction is first-rate but there are one or two words that could be replaced with better ones.
4 The diction is good but there are a number of words and/or one or two sections that might be improved by revision.
3. The diction is adequate but the author does not appear to have taken the time to revise for word choice.
2. The diction is mediocre, boring, at times vague: lots of useless repetition, empty abstractions, passive voice, needlessly protracted sentences, empty intensifiers, expletives and impersonal constructions like “there is” and “it is.”
1. The word choice is so poor that at times it is difficult to tell exactly what the author is trying to say.
Sentence to be Revised: "This zone is also about actions, the actual functions we perform as humans."
Pointers: Try the thesaurus to replace certain "be" verbs like am, are, is, was because they weaken the overall flow and argument.
Revision: This zone also provides insight regarding human nature and action.
Rating: 5
9. Conciseness:
7. Succinct, powerful prose, undiluted by unnecessary verbiage.
6. Economical prose. No section, no word choice, could be easily revised for conciseness.
5. Fairly concise prose, but various words if not sections suggest there is some redundance or repetition that could cut to increase the conciseness.
4. Adequate prose but some repetition, redundance, wordiness, unnecessary modifiers, empty intensifiers, or unnecessarily long and convoluted sentences and thus about a third of the essaywould benefit clearly from cutting the waste.
3. About half of the essay needs excision of repetition, redundance, wordiness, unnecessary modifiers, empty intensifiers, or unnecessarily long and convoluted sentences.
2. Essay as a whole needs excision of repetition, redundance, wordiness, unnecessary modifiers, empty intensifiers, or unnecessarily long and convoluted sentences.
1. The excess verbiage is so great that some of the meaning of the essay is obscured.
Sentence to be Revised: Basically, that means that the upper zone can show a person’s hopes for the future, their own ideas of who they are, and their artistic vision and inspiration.
Pointers:Try and create succinct ideas that don't disrupt flow.
Revision: The upper zone portrays a person’s hopes for the future, his or her own ideas of who he or she is, and his or her artistic vision and inspiration.
Rating: 5
Chris
1. Unity, Coherence, and Flow:
• Did the writing flow smoothly so you could follow the main argument?
• Can you find the main points?
• Are the transitions from one point to the next harsh, or do they transition naturally?
• Is the order developed and sustained within and across paragraphs using transitional devices?
• Is the introduction inviting?
• Is the conclusion satisfying?
• Do paragraphs deal with one subject?
Sentence to be Revised:A novel which can be described as a multi-dimensional exploration of sexuality, Alice in Wonderland includes the sexual maturation of a young girl in its literary expedition
Pointers: Provide a broader topic as the initial introductory sentence to create a funnel effect for your thesis.
Revision: Adolescent growth implies a multi-dimensional exploration of sexuality, provided the curious and innocent nature of youth and maturation.
Rating: 5
2. Organization and Logical Order of the Prose
7. Apparently perfect organization and logical order.
6. Very good: Effective organization and fairly logical order.
5. Good: Functional organization and fairly logical order.
4. Average: Consistent organization and some logical order, with some interruptions.
3. Poor : Confused arrangement and inconsistent logical order, with quite a few interruptions.
2. Very poor: Minimal control and little logical order, with many interruptions.
1. Disastrous: No apparent control, no logical order, no apparent organization.
Sentence to be Revised:The first in a series of events which equate growth with arousal is Alice's discovery of a small door
Pointers: Try and provide subjects prior to verb use while introducing a topic for discussion.
Revision: Alice's discovery of the small door in the circular hall is the first in a series of events that heighten Alice's arousal for discovery.
Rating: 5
3.Specificity and "Concreteness"
Does the essay move easily between general and specific? Are claims supported by specific, detailed evidence and/or examples? Does concrete language anchor the essay, engaging the senses, and keeping it from becoming too vague? Are the basic stories and/or emotions behind the essay shown or demonstrated in personal, specific, concrete examples, images, metaphors, similes, and/or supporting sensory details that enable us to experience the world through another’s perspective?
Sentence to be Revised:Carroll delves into his frustrations and expresses similar beliefs without hesitation.
Pointers: Smoothy transition certain ideas or they may seem choppy and abrupt. To further the sexual nuances of the novel, Carroll delves into his own frustrations and beliefs, beginning with the Alice's pursuit of the White rabbit into Wonderland.
Revision: To further the sexual nuances of the novel, Carroll delves into his own frustrations and beliefs, beginning with the Alice's pursuit of the White rabbit into Wonderland.
Rating: 4
4. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rehtoric
• IS THE ORGANIZATION OF THE VISUAL AND VERBAL RHETORIC CLEAR?
• ARE THE IMAGES/MULTIMEDIA ESSENTIAL TO THE ESSAY OR NOT?
• ARE THE IMAGES/MULTIMEDIA DISCUSSED, OR AT LEAST REFERRED TO, IN THE TEXT?
• ARE THE IMAGES/MULTIMEDIA PLACED NEXT TO THE WORDS THAT CONNECT TO THEM?
Sentence to be Revised:N/A
Pointers: Great organization of both rhetoric forms as they are embedded within the text appropriately.
Revision:N/A
Rating: 7
5. Proofreading: Typos, Spelling, and Grammar Errors
7 There are no apparent grammar, spelling, or proofreading errors.
6 There are one or two minor errors, but the prose flows fairly well.
5 There are two or three minor errors, but the prose moves along well enough.
4 There are a number of errors that force the reader to hesitate, however briefly, to figure out what the writer intended. There is some doubt as to how much of the assigned reading on spellchecks, and proofreading has been read or understood. In as much as half of the essay the flow would benefit from better proofreading.
3 Apparently not much of the assigned reading on spellchecks and proofreading has been read or understood, forcing the reader often to hesitate, however briefly, to figure out what the writer intended. In as much as two-thirds of the essay the flow would benefit from better proofreading.
2. The author appears often unaware of the appropriate use of grammar, spellchecks,and proofreading, and most of the flow of the essay suffers as a result.
1. The proofreading, and/or spelling, and/or grammar is atrocious and the essay does not flow at all.
Sentence to be Revised:
Pointers:
Revision: I couldn't find any major mistakes off of first hand read, but there may be a few mistakes
Rating: 6
6. Documentation
7. All the images and quotations are fully documented perfectly according to the University of Chicago documentation system.
6 All the images and quotations are documented according to the University of Chicago documentation system, but there are one or two minor errors.
5 All the images and quotations are documented according to the University of Chicago documentation system, but there are two or three minor errors.
4 Not all the images and quotations are documented according to the University of Chicago documentation system. There is some doubt as to how much of the reading in the handbook on the University of Chicago documentation system has been read or understood. A third or so of the images and/or quotations need better documentation.
3 Apparently not much of reading in the handbook on the University of Chicago documentation system has been read or understood, forcing the reader often to hesitate, however briefly, to figure out what the writer's sources are. Most of the images and/or quotations need better documentation.
2. The author appears unaware of the University of Chicago documentation system.
1. The author appears unaware of the need for documentation.
Sentence to be Revised:
Pointers:
Revision:
Rating: 7
7. Punctuation:
7 The author has used punctuation like a great composer uses musical notation and as a result the prose flows beautifully. The punctuation appears to be perfect.
6 The punctuation guides the reader effectively, and there are no obvious moments of hesitation or stumbling as a result, but the punctuation could probably work even better if revised.
5 The punctuation is generally effective, but there are one or two places where it could be changed, added, or removed to improve the flow of the essay.
4 There is some doubt as to how much of the assigned reading on punctuation has been read or understood. In as much as half of the essay the flow would benefit from changing, adding, or removing punctuation.
3 .Not much of the assigned reading on punctuation has been read or understood. In as much as two-thirds of the essay the flow would benefit from changing, adding, or removing punctuation.
2. The author appears unaware of the appropriate use of many modes of punctuation, and most of the flow of the essay suffers as a result.
1. The punctuation is atrocious and the essay does not flow at all.
Sentence to be Revised:"Consumption and growth are the mediums in which Alice must learn the importance of chastity and given her final return to the garden, Carroll is successful."
Pointers: Alternate sentence structure and provide better flow by adding commas wherever necessary, and separating run on sentences into simple concise sentences.
Revision:Consumption and growth are the mediums in which Alice must learn the importance of chastity and given her final return to the garden. Carroll is successful.
Rating: 5
8. Word Choice:
7 The diction is fresh, witty, and very specific. You cannot see anywhere that it could possibly be improved.
6 You cannot see how the diction might be easily improved, but it is not very witty, fresh, or striking.
5 The diction is first-rate but there are one or two words that could be replaced with better ones.
4 The diction is good but there are a number of words and/or one or two sections that might be improved by revision.
3. The diction is adequate but the author does not appear to have taken the time to revise for word choice.
2. The diction is mediocre, boring, at times vague: lots of useless repetition, empty abstractions, passive voice, needlessly protracted sentences, empty intensifiers, expletives and impersonal constructions like “there is” and “it is.”
1. The word choice is so poor that at times it is difficult to tell exactly what the author is trying to say.
Sentence to be Revised:
Pointers: Great word Choice, as most of the paper varies in diction. Simple words here and there can be substituted for better synonyms, but I can't pick anything out especially.
Revision:
Rating: 7
9. Conciseness:
7. Succinct, powerful prose, undiluted by unnecessary verbiage.
6. Economical prose. No section, no word choice, could be easily revised for conciseness.
5. Fairly concise prose, but various words if not sections suggest there is some redundance or repetition that could cut to increase the conciseness.
4. Adequate prose but some repetition, redundance, wordiness, unnecessary modifiers, empty intensifiers, or unnecessarily long and convoluted sentences and thus about a third of the essaywould benefit clearly from cutting the waste.
3. About half of the essay needs excision of repetition, redundance, wordiness, unnecessary modifiers, empty intensifiers, or unnecessarily long and convoluted sentences.
2. Essay as a whole needs excision of repetition, redundance, wordiness, unnecessary modifiers, empty intensifiers, or unnecessarily long and convoluted sentences.
1. The excess verbiage is so great that some of the meaning of the essay is obscured.
Sentence to be Revised:Once again, she is in an improper situation and the reader can see many of the story's earlier symbols begin to repeat: the Mad Hare is an established symbol of fertility, the Dormouse's story parallels Alice's descent down the rabbit hole, and the Hatter's riddle is the Caterpillar's question.
Pointers:Try and create more concise ideas by focusing on a strong point in sentences. You sometimes try to do too much with a sentence and the strong conclusions you form are lost in translation.
Revision: Once again, she is in an improper situation and the reader can see many of the story's earlier symbols begin to repeat. The Mad Hare is an established symbol of fertility, the Dormouse's story parallels Alice's descent down the rabbit hole, and the Hatter's riddle is the Caterpillar's question.
Rating: 6
Blake
Sentence: Alice’- s initiation into Wonderland alerts the reader that she is entering into a new realm.
Revision: Alice's initial initiation into Wonderland alerts the reader that she is entering into a new realm.
1. Unity, Coherence and Flow: 4
Some of the paragraphs provide smooth transitions, while others fail to successfully bridge the gap between ideas. The thesis and argument provided in the introduction point toward a different path than is presented in the following body paragraphs. I would fine tune your thesis to overview your body paragraphs a little more, and tie each paragraph back to the original thesis with a solid conclusion sentence.
2. Organization and Logical Order of Prose: 5
The paper follows a strict time line of Alice's adventure but in relation to the overall thesis, the last few paragraphs fall out of place. Try and organize your evidence in a means that coincides better with the idea of progression of some and time rather than the linear timeline of Alice's Adventures. Paragraphs 2 and 3 accent each other in topic, and could be joined together to provide a better organization of ideas.
3. Specificity and “Concreteness”: 5
Utilize your evidence a little better by relating such back to the original thesis and try and find some quotes that are better suitable and have more relation to the arguments you provide, or find some more insight to bridge quotes to commentary.
4. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric: 5
The layout of your pictures is logical, but you should tie them into the text of your paper. The only reason this is a 3 is because you didn't mention the pictures in your text.
The photos are provided perfectly with the layout of the text, but try and tie the pictures closer into your essay by discussing such in the writing itself, provide in depth foot notes, or caption the pictures with some more depth to strengthen the paper with visual rhetoric.
5. Proofreading: 4
There are some minor grammatical errors and syntactical errors that need to be fixed, like the sentence I utilized for revision. Try reading your paper paragraph by paragraph to find better ways to format these in relation to the thesis overall.
6. Documentation: 4
Footnotes should not be repeated with the numbers, but a new footnote must be created with each citation or embedded quote added.
7. Punctuation: 5
Superscripts for the citation footnotes need to come after the punctuation, not before. The overall syntactical structure seems great though.
8. Word Choice: 5
Try and avoid passive voice as much as possible. and find synonyms for simple words. Try and not repeat words throughout the paper, you can use Word to do so.
9. Conciseness: 5
Your message tends to be misconstrued with sentences that are not organized into succinct ideas. Focus on formatting your thesis, and rework your points to gear towards the overall argument a little better. ("Time seems to go by slower, as the narrator asks, “Would the fall never come to an end?”1 and gravity has also changed since “she had plenty of time as she went down to look about her, and to wonder what was going to happen next”1.") Try re-organizing to provide a concise embedded quote.
Catherine
Sentence: No one is clear what sin, if there even was one, that Carroll felt he needed to be forgiven for, but it is obvious that he desperately sought answers from God.
Revision: There is no clear cut interpretation of the supposed sin Carroll sought redemption for.
1. Unity, Coherence and Flow: 5
The paper flows very smoothly throughout the majority of the beginning, until the last three paragraphs, which do not transition as nicely. For example " Lewis Carroll’s obsession with children stemmed from his admiration of their …" The topic sentences for the last three paragraphs need to overview the discussions found in those paragraphs a little better. Rather than go immediately into the argument, provide an introduction for such. The argument is solid, reflected in the overall thesis and the referral of commentary back to evidence of the thesis throughout.
2. Organization and Logical Order of Prose: 5
After the three distinct situations from Carroll's early life, the paper tends to lack organization these three ideas coincide but the information immediately after jumps topics and doesn't connect well. Try creating a bridge between the events from Carroll's early life to the rest of the paper.
3. Specificity and “Concreteness”: 6
Great movement of ideas from general to specific, and the quotes clearly justified your points and thesis overall. The only thing I recommend is providing more commentary rather than summarize the evidence you provided through citations. Argue your thesis utilizing your evidence, rather than arguing your thesis through your evidence.
4. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric: 5
- The images accent the paper, but I would try and embed the pictures better into the discussion at hand, giving forth footnotes or commentary in regards to the pictures and relevance to the argument.
5. Proofreading: 5
Be careful with your use of passive voice and try to correct them, and fix minor grammatical errors including apostrophe use, commas, etc. Just read through your paper again, and mistakes can easily be fixed.
6. Documentation: 2
- You need to format your citations to Chicago Style. See the Chicago Style Manual.
7. Punctuation: 6
Your punctuation is great overall, but there are minor instances of flawy ideas and misconstrued thought because of syntactical structure and commas usage.
8. Word Choice: 4/5
Try and vary your sentence structure a little better, alternating complex, simple and compound sentences. Try and not repeat certain words like "however" too much. You use the same sentence structure overall repeatedly, so vary such.
9. Conciseness: 5
You have a tendency to use very wordy sentences, which weaken the argument because the overall topic of the sentence is lost in translation. Try rewording long, run on sentences to create a more succinct and easily interpreted argument.
William Gyrta
Sentence: “Similar he mentions that sprung rhythm feet are equally long and their seemingly inequality must be made up for by pauses, and must not be read or performed with an unequal rhythmic interpretation such as counterpoint”
Revision: “Similarly, he [Bridges] mentions that sprung rhythm feet are all of equal length, stressing that their seeming inequality should be accounted for through pauses, rather than utilizing an unequal rhythmic interpretation such as a counterpoint to make up for the difference in length.”
1. Unity, Coherence and Flow: 6
Thought you tied in the music portion of the essay very well. You may want to consider making it more explicit in your thesis statement for another readers’ sake but in my opinion, I kind of liked the surprise of discovering you performed the music. Other than that, quite good
2. Organization and Logical Order of Prose: 6
The paper flowed very well, everything was explained appropriately and placed in a linear order. I recommend against short hand paragraphs, as the smaller paragraphs give less emphasis to the longer ones. Try and fuse those smaller paragraphs into bigger ones.
3. Specificity and “Concreteness”: 6
The focus on Chopin was interesting. Perhaps you should define the term “legato” p.4 The paper overall moved great from general to specific commentary.
4. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric: 7
Again, you tied the musical portion in well. The media was a great touch, and greatly strengthened the overall message as the commentary directly overviews the material.
5. Proofreading: 5
Some minor grammatical errors, one of which is corrected here:
“Similarly, he mentions that sprung rhythm feet are equally long and their seemingly inequality must be made up for by pauses, and must not be read or performed with an unequal rhythmic interpretation such as counterpoint”
6. Documentation: 6
Great usage of Chicago style, i didn't see any mistakes.
7. Punctuation: Watch the comma usage, but other than that, it looks just fine.
8. Word Choice: 5
I would try explaining the musical terms you utilized in the paper because a lot of readers may not understand the exact terminology you used. Remember to treat the audience as if they have no prior knowledge about the basis of your paper.
9. Conciseness: 4
I would add a little more commentary to increase length and provide further justification for your assertion. Other than that, the paper was very straight forward, I would just add some more commentary for strengthening.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
E349S My Project One Paper Critiques by Peers
Cameron McNeel
In an effort to remain concise I shall list the 9 criteria and there corresponding score next to them. Personally I might explore more of that relationship between Burton and Carroll. There is a good amount of feeling in there that could buttress your argument.
1. 5
2. 5
3. 6
4. 5
5. 7
6. 7
7. 6
8. 6
9. 5
Blake Earl
Carroll opens the story right off with a simple setting, with an immediate inciting action, that being the witnessing of the white rabbit, giving way to the immediate flow of the plot. Rewrite: Carroll opens with a simple setting and immediate inciting action (seeing the white rabbit), both give way to the initial flow of the plot.
1. Unity, Coherency, and Flow – 5 Some paragraphs jumped between ideas and did not seem to have a connection. One particular paragraph starts comparing her experience to the hall of doors, and then jumps to the differences between child and adult Alice.
2. Organization and Logical Order of the Prose – 6 The order was generally chronological, occasionally jumping from difference between the story and Tim Burton’s adaptation. Still, it seemed like some information was out of place.
3. Specificity and “Concreteness”: Examples, Verbal Images, Metaphors, Similes, Evidence, Supporting Details – 5 You could support some of the differences you mentioned more. I, for one, know the characters say, “She’s the wrong Alice!” multiple times. This would be a clear indication of the point you were trying to make.
4. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric – 5 The images for Tim Burton’s adaptation were nice, but could be improved if you referred to them in the text and made them relevant. Some comparison picture would help too.
5. Proofreading: Typos, Spelling, and Grammar – 6 I didn’t see many typo or spelling errors, but I think another read through would help you with some grammar problems.
6. Documentation – 7 Everything is correctly cited and explained.
7. Punctuation – 5 Many times I found myself fighting my way through a sentence to link the subject and verb. What out for unnecessary appositives.
8. Word Choice – 6 Your word choice is fresh and fits well with the modern subject, but some places it is over-used and inflated. Here is an example of some repetitions: She comes to realize Hamish plans to propose to her at the party, as it happens to be a her very own engagement party, seeing Hamish will propose to Alice. . doors all around…doors all around
9. Conciseness – 6 I thought your prose was prepared properly and can see the effort in it. There are still a few areas that could use improvement and clarity. Expand your idea about the implications of having Alice as an 18-year-old. Overall – 6 A very enjoyable essay. I like that you analyzed a modern take on Alice. I can’t wait to read the rest and learn more about your ideas.
Christopher Contreras
Sentence: “Reality is the perception of the beholder, and more so, personality defines that reality.” View and Rewrite: This sentence is very reminiscent of the cliché, “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.” As a result, it is discomforting and suggest a lack of effort. While I feel it is perfectly okay to attempt to reflect the point of the idiom, I also feel it should be said in an original way. For example: “Reality is a multi-dimensional idea, stretched and skewed uniquely by one's experiences.”
1. Unity, Coherence & Flow- 5 Good: fairly good flow, with some evidence of transitions, with perhaps one obvious interruption The body of the essay has a respectable organization and I believe there is potential for you to really define the binaries of Lewis Carroll's version of Alice, and Tim Burtons. That being said, I feel the professor may a lack of flow in a key place – your introduction. In the introduction, you tell the readers what Tim Burton's film does (creates a contempory, relatable Alice) and immediately discuss a summary of Carroll's version. The sudden rush into your summary caused me to read and re-read your intro to find what the thesis was. I feel the professor would advise fixing this.
2. Organization and Logical Order of the Prose – 6 Your essays has a corresponding timeline to the Alice works, and the chronology of the book guides your essay. I feel that this works. You speak of the events in the order they present themselves in the novel and film.
3. Specificity and “Concreteness”: Examples, Verbal Images, Metaphors, Similes, Evidence, Supporting Details – 4 The essay was summary heavy and I'm not confident that you accessed real depth with Alice in Wonderland. In effect, the summary competes with your analysis. Yes, they are different, but can you tell the reader uniquely how they are different. I feel as if you could show readers more of the context in which the films were created (the time period, current events, etc). I don't feel it's enough to compare the categories “original” and “modern.” Create sub-categories of these two and compare them.
4. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric – 4. I was not sure how these images related to your text. I can gather from class experience, as I suspect the professor would, that these images correspond with the paragraph's topic, but I feel you could add to their rhetorical “umph.” Such a way might be to compare the imagery and the difference in rhetoric between film and Carroll's illustrations.
5. Proofreading: Typos, Spelling, and Grammar – 6 There were few to be corrected, but there is a non-specific feeling of verbosity at some points, followed by short, choppy sentences. I will relate these to your punctuation. Please refer to the punctuation section.
6. Documentation – 7 Your documentation is correct.
7. Punctuation – 5 Your punctuation is for the most part, correct, but it is not used to produce mature, college-level sentences. Here is an example: “The conversing characters reveal Alice is actually returning to Wonderland, eleven years after her initial exposure to Wonderland as a naive child. She undergoes the same process of guess and check, regulating her size to appropriately fit within the smaller-set door. Rather than utilize the younger Alice within the movie, the older Alice provides a significantly more appealing mode of translation for the overall message of true identity and paving one's one path in life. By replacing younger Alice, the gender and role affiliations found between female audience members and Alice are more susceptible to real-life association. “ The ideas themselves are mature, but this section is assailed with commas, which might make the reader fneed to revisit your sentences from time to time.
8. Word Choice – 4 I would be careful with the use of your own words and the use of an outside sources. In some instances, 3rd party speech overpowers your own. Here is an example: “The audience members hear "the voice of several characters, looking at Alice through the keyhole," wondering "‘You'd think she'd remember all this from the first time.’" Only 5 words in the above sentence are your,s, and you have filled in the rest with a source. I would revisit your essay for similar examples and see if this is the best word choice.
9. Conciseness – 5 Again, I feel this portion of the critique lends itself to a misuse of punctuation and wording. There is effort and sincerity in your work, and it reflects. This alone though is not enough. For the sake of ease, here is the example I used earlier. Trim it down some, and other lenghty excerpts. It will work wonders for conciseness. “The conversing characters reveal Alice is actually returning to Wonderland, eleven years after her initial exposure to Wonderland as a naive child. She undergoes the same process of guess and check, regulating her size to appropriately fit within the smaller-set door. Rather than utilize the younger Alice within the movie, the older Alice provides a significantly more appealing mode of translation for the overall message of true identity and paving one's one path in life. By replacing younger Alice, the gender and role affiliations found between female audience members and Alice are more susceptible to real-life association. “
Hannah Voss
Original: To further distort the plot of the story, Tim Burton's adaption changes one critical aspect of the story as a whole. That being, Alice is returning to Wonderland as an adult.
Suggested revision: Tim Burton’s adaptation distorts the story as a whole by changing one of the most critical aspects of the story’s plot: Alice returning to Wonderland as an adult.
1. Unity/coherence/flow: (6) I had trouble distinguishing your argument, but for the most part, everything connected well.
2. Organization: (6) Discussing everything chronologically was a good choice and I thought that your essay was organized very well.
3. Specificity: (5) Maybe try backing up your evidence with more of your own personal insight.
4. Visual Rhetoric: (7) The pictures worked very well and were obviously relevant.
5. Proofreading: (6) Some sentences were choppy.
6. Documentation (7) Very thorough and no noticeable errors.
7. Punctuation: (5) Some sentences were kind of choppy.
8. Word choice: (6) Appropriate and concise word choice.
9. Conciseness: (7) I thought the essay was concise and to the point throughout.
Megan Hanlon
I love that I can really hear your voice in this paper. It’s not boring and factually like most essays; it feels like you’re just having a conversation with the reader and explaining your viewpoint. It’s very refreshing. “The meeting with the Caterpillar is vital in translating the thematic elements of the story because Alice proves to be just like any other teenage girl, unsure of herself, confused with the societal constraints and demands she must face, deemed to fall slave to the whims of culture.“ “The meeting with the Caterpillar is vital in translating the thematic elements of the story because Alice proves to be just like any other teenage girl: unsure of herself, confused with the societal constraints and demands she must face, and deemed to fall slave to the whims of Victorian culture.“
1. Unity/Coherence/Flow=5pts. The first paragraph flows a little too well, in that it should really be broken into multiple paragraphs. Each paragraph should have one main idea. Is this your thesis: ”Tim Burton's film adaptation to Lewis Carroll's classic children's novel, Alice in Wonderland, provides the audience with a modern and contemporary portrayal of the search for identity and journey from adolescence to adulthood, by altering various plot elements to appeal to today's generations.”? If so, that might be a good place to add a paragraph break.
2. Organization= 6pts. I understand the nature of your paper, so I personally like the way you jump right into it without an intro, but since this is an English course you should probably consider breaking your first paragraph up and establishing a thesis within the first couple sentences before jumping right into the body of your paper.
3. Specificity and “Concreteness”= 7pts. Lots of quotes to back up claims, well done.
4. Integration of Verbal/Visual Rhetoric= 5pts. Good use of stillshots from the movie to give readers who haven’t seen it a better idea of Burton’s style in opposition to Carroll’s.
5. Proofreading= 6pts. Sentence structure is more informal than usual, which I enjoy, but others may not.
6. Citations= 7pts. Good job citing everything you used
7. Punctuation= 6pts. Looks right to me, except for corrected sentence.
8. Word Choice= 6pts. Conversational word choice adds to conversational tone
9. Conciseness= 6pts. Some sentences could certainly be deleted to cut down on the word count, but I don’t think that conciseness is necessarily more desirable in a paper than readability, so I’m going to suggest leaving sentences like “It's basically impossible” and “C'est la vie.” in, instead of cutting them because they might be seen as “unnecessary”.
Christine Scott
" Lewis Carroll's original text begins with young Alice, seven years of age, "beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank," simply minding her own business until a White Rabbit with a watch in hand, runs in a flurry, worrisome of his tardy demeanor” The first part of this sentence is fine, but after the quote, the sentence falls apart. Firstly, “worrisome of” and “demeanor” are both misused. In addition, you’re missing a preposition after “runs.” Finally, a bit of rewording would help the flow. I would advise revising the last part of this sentence to say something similar to “simply minding her own business until a while rabbit, watch in hand, runs past in a flurry, bemoaning his tardiness.”
1. Unity, Coherence, and Flow=5 I felt that wordiness could “block up” the flow at times, and you often got bogged down in summary so that it wasn’t always easy to follow your main points.
2. Organization and logical order of prose=6 You followed the logical order of starting at the beginning of the story and progressing through it—simple enough, but effective. Your ideas carried over smoothly. Good work!
3. Specificity and Concreteness=5 All of your claims are backed up adequately. Unfortunately, sometimes you went into too much depth, especially with summary. You need to back up into more general territory at times, connecting aspects of the film and book with your own overarching ideas.
4. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric=5 Your images were well-placed and effective. I would give you higher, but the two highest are reserved for projects with media other than just pictures.
5. Proofreading=5 I noticed some contractions, which you shouldn’t use in formal papers. A couple times, you unnecessarily capitalized words (“a White Rabbit” and “Shrunken State”—White Rabbit should only be capitalized when referring to him with the article “the.”)
6. Documentation= All is in order, except I believe you should use “#.” instead of “[#]” and once you forgot a space in the fifth endnote between the 5 and “Carroll.”
7. Punctuation=4 There were a couple comma splices, as well as a few commas where there should be none. Once, you forgot a hyphen in a phrase (“identity sticken”).
8. Word Choice=5 I felt that sometimes you were very informal and other times you sounded like you were trying too hard to be eloquent. Finding a balance between these two would be your best bet. You don’t have to sound grand. You clearly can be eloquent, so combine that with the casual style you used at the beginning, and I think your essay will be very much improved.
9. Conciseness=4 You could be very wordy, and I think that you could definitely get away with using much less summary. Overall, an interesting essay! You had some good ideas here, and I think that this is a good start, but needs polishing. If you have any questions or just ideas that you need to bounce off someone, leave a comment and I’ll see it and get back to you.
In an effort to remain concise I shall list the 9 criteria and there corresponding score next to them. Personally I might explore more of that relationship between Burton and Carroll. There is a good amount of feeling in there that could buttress your argument.
1. 5
2. 5
3. 6
4. 5
5. 7
6. 7
7. 6
8. 6
9. 5
Blake Earl
Carroll opens the story right off with a simple setting, with an immediate inciting action, that being the witnessing of the white rabbit, giving way to the immediate flow of the plot. Rewrite: Carroll opens with a simple setting and immediate inciting action (seeing the white rabbit), both give way to the initial flow of the plot.
1. Unity, Coherency, and Flow – 5 Some paragraphs jumped between ideas and did not seem to have a connection. One particular paragraph starts comparing her experience to the hall of doors, and then jumps to the differences between child and adult Alice.
2. Organization and Logical Order of the Prose – 6 The order was generally chronological, occasionally jumping from difference between the story and Tim Burton’s adaptation. Still, it seemed like some information was out of place.
3. Specificity and “Concreteness”: Examples, Verbal Images, Metaphors, Similes, Evidence, Supporting Details – 5 You could support some of the differences you mentioned more. I, for one, know the characters say, “She’s the wrong Alice!” multiple times. This would be a clear indication of the point you were trying to make.
4. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric – 5 The images for Tim Burton’s adaptation were nice, but could be improved if you referred to them in the text and made them relevant. Some comparison picture would help too.
5. Proofreading: Typos, Spelling, and Grammar – 6 I didn’t see many typo or spelling errors, but I think another read through would help you with some grammar problems.
6. Documentation – 7 Everything is correctly cited and explained.
7. Punctuation – 5 Many times I found myself fighting my way through a sentence to link the subject and verb. What out for unnecessary appositives.
8. Word Choice – 6 Your word choice is fresh and fits well with the modern subject, but some places it is over-used and inflated. Here is an example of some repetitions: She comes to realize Hamish plans to propose to her at the party, as it happens to be a her very own engagement party, seeing Hamish will propose to Alice. . doors all around…doors all around
9. Conciseness – 6 I thought your prose was prepared properly and can see the effort in it. There are still a few areas that could use improvement and clarity. Expand your idea about the implications of having Alice as an 18-year-old. Overall – 6 A very enjoyable essay. I like that you analyzed a modern take on Alice. I can’t wait to read the rest and learn more about your ideas.
Christopher Contreras
Sentence: “Reality is the perception of the beholder, and more so, personality defines that reality.” View and Rewrite: This sentence is very reminiscent of the cliché, “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.” As a result, it is discomforting and suggest a lack of effort. While I feel it is perfectly okay to attempt to reflect the point of the idiom, I also feel it should be said in an original way. For example: “Reality is a multi-dimensional idea, stretched and skewed uniquely by one's experiences.”
1. Unity, Coherence & Flow- 5 Good: fairly good flow, with some evidence of transitions, with perhaps one obvious interruption The body of the essay has a respectable organization and I believe there is potential for you to really define the binaries of Lewis Carroll's version of Alice, and Tim Burtons. That being said, I feel the professor may a lack of flow in a key place – your introduction. In the introduction, you tell the readers what Tim Burton's film does (creates a contempory, relatable Alice) and immediately discuss a summary of Carroll's version. The sudden rush into your summary caused me to read and re-read your intro to find what the thesis was. I feel the professor would advise fixing this.
2. Organization and Logical Order of the Prose – 6 Your essays has a corresponding timeline to the Alice works, and the chronology of the book guides your essay. I feel that this works. You speak of the events in the order they present themselves in the novel and film.
3. Specificity and “Concreteness”: Examples, Verbal Images, Metaphors, Similes, Evidence, Supporting Details – 4 The essay was summary heavy and I'm not confident that you accessed real depth with Alice in Wonderland. In effect, the summary competes with your analysis. Yes, they are different, but can you tell the reader uniquely how they are different. I feel as if you could show readers more of the context in which the films were created (the time period, current events, etc). I don't feel it's enough to compare the categories “original” and “modern.” Create sub-categories of these two and compare them.
4. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric – 4. I was not sure how these images related to your text. I can gather from class experience, as I suspect the professor would, that these images correspond with the paragraph's topic, but I feel you could add to their rhetorical “umph.” Such a way might be to compare the imagery and the difference in rhetoric between film and Carroll's illustrations.
5. Proofreading: Typos, Spelling, and Grammar – 6 There were few to be corrected, but there is a non-specific feeling of verbosity at some points, followed by short, choppy sentences. I will relate these to your punctuation. Please refer to the punctuation section.
6. Documentation – 7 Your documentation is correct.
7. Punctuation – 5 Your punctuation is for the most part, correct, but it is not used to produce mature, college-level sentences. Here is an example: “The conversing characters reveal Alice is actually returning to Wonderland, eleven years after her initial exposure to Wonderland as a naive child. She undergoes the same process of guess and check, regulating her size to appropriately fit within the smaller-set door. Rather than utilize the younger Alice within the movie, the older Alice provides a significantly more appealing mode of translation for the overall message of true identity and paving one's one path in life. By replacing younger Alice, the gender and role affiliations found between female audience members and Alice are more susceptible to real-life association. “ The ideas themselves are mature, but this section is assailed with commas, which might make the reader fneed to revisit your sentences from time to time.
8. Word Choice – 4 I would be careful with the use of your own words and the use of an outside sources. In some instances, 3rd party speech overpowers your own. Here is an example: “The audience members hear "the voice of several characters, looking at Alice through the keyhole," wondering "‘You'd think she'd remember all this from the first time.’" Only 5 words in the above sentence are your,s, and you have filled in the rest with a source. I would revisit your essay for similar examples and see if this is the best word choice.
9. Conciseness – 5 Again, I feel this portion of the critique lends itself to a misuse of punctuation and wording. There is effort and sincerity in your work, and it reflects. This alone though is not enough. For the sake of ease, here is the example I used earlier. Trim it down some, and other lenghty excerpts. It will work wonders for conciseness. “The conversing characters reveal Alice is actually returning to Wonderland, eleven years after her initial exposure to Wonderland as a naive child. She undergoes the same process of guess and check, regulating her size to appropriately fit within the smaller-set door. Rather than utilize the younger Alice within the movie, the older Alice provides a significantly more appealing mode of translation for the overall message of true identity and paving one's one path in life. By replacing younger Alice, the gender and role affiliations found between female audience members and Alice are more susceptible to real-life association. “
Hannah Voss
Original: To further distort the plot of the story, Tim Burton's adaption changes one critical aspect of the story as a whole. That being, Alice is returning to Wonderland as an adult.
Suggested revision: Tim Burton’s adaptation distorts the story as a whole by changing one of the most critical aspects of the story’s plot: Alice returning to Wonderland as an adult.
1. Unity/coherence/flow: (6) I had trouble distinguishing your argument, but for the most part, everything connected well.
2. Organization: (6) Discussing everything chronologically was a good choice and I thought that your essay was organized very well.
3. Specificity: (5) Maybe try backing up your evidence with more of your own personal insight.
4. Visual Rhetoric: (7) The pictures worked very well and were obviously relevant.
5. Proofreading: (6) Some sentences were choppy.
6. Documentation (7) Very thorough and no noticeable errors.
7. Punctuation: (5) Some sentences were kind of choppy.
8. Word choice: (6) Appropriate and concise word choice.
9. Conciseness: (7) I thought the essay was concise and to the point throughout.
Megan Hanlon
I love that I can really hear your voice in this paper. It’s not boring and factually like most essays; it feels like you’re just having a conversation with the reader and explaining your viewpoint. It’s very refreshing. “The meeting with the Caterpillar is vital in translating the thematic elements of the story because Alice proves to be just like any other teenage girl, unsure of herself, confused with the societal constraints and demands she must face, deemed to fall slave to the whims of culture.“ “The meeting with the Caterpillar is vital in translating the thematic elements of the story because Alice proves to be just like any other teenage girl: unsure of herself, confused with the societal constraints and demands she must face, and deemed to fall slave to the whims of Victorian culture.“
1. Unity/Coherence/Flow=5pts. The first paragraph flows a little too well, in that it should really be broken into multiple paragraphs. Each paragraph should have one main idea. Is this your thesis: ”Tim Burton's film adaptation to Lewis Carroll's classic children's novel, Alice in Wonderland, provides the audience with a modern and contemporary portrayal of the search for identity and journey from adolescence to adulthood, by altering various plot elements to appeal to today's generations.”? If so, that might be a good place to add a paragraph break.
2. Organization= 6pts. I understand the nature of your paper, so I personally like the way you jump right into it without an intro, but since this is an English course you should probably consider breaking your first paragraph up and establishing a thesis within the first couple sentences before jumping right into the body of your paper.
3. Specificity and “Concreteness”= 7pts. Lots of quotes to back up claims, well done.
4. Integration of Verbal/Visual Rhetoric= 5pts. Good use of stillshots from the movie to give readers who haven’t seen it a better idea of Burton’s style in opposition to Carroll’s.
5. Proofreading= 6pts. Sentence structure is more informal than usual, which I enjoy, but others may not.
6. Citations= 7pts. Good job citing everything you used
7. Punctuation= 6pts. Looks right to me, except for corrected sentence.
8. Word Choice= 6pts. Conversational word choice adds to conversational tone
9. Conciseness= 6pts. Some sentences could certainly be deleted to cut down on the word count, but I don’t think that conciseness is necessarily more desirable in a paper than readability, so I’m going to suggest leaving sentences like “It's basically impossible” and “C'est la vie.” in, instead of cutting them because they might be seen as “unnecessary”.
Christine Scott
" Lewis Carroll's original text begins with young Alice, seven years of age, "beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank," simply minding her own business until a White Rabbit with a watch in hand, runs in a flurry, worrisome of his tardy demeanor” The first part of this sentence is fine, but after the quote, the sentence falls apart. Firstly, “worrisome of” and “demeanor” are both misused. In addition, you’re missing a preposition after “runs.” Finally, a bit of rewording would help the flow. I would advise revising the last part of this sentence to say something similar to “simply minding her own business until a while rabbit, watch in hand, runs past in a flurry, bemoaning his tardiness.”
1. Unity, Coherence, and Flow=5 I felt that wordiness could “block up” the flow at times, and you often got bogged down in summary so that it wasn’t always easy to follow your main points.
2. Organization and logical order of prose=6 You followed the logical order of starting at the beginning of the story and progressing through it—simple enough, but effective. Your ideas carried over smoothly. Good work!
3. Specificity and Concreteness=5 All of your claims are backed up adequately. Unfortunately, sometimes you went into too much depth, especially with summary. You need to back up into more general territory at times, connecting aspects of the film and book with your own overarching ideas.
4. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric=5 Your images were well-placed and effective. I would give you higher, but the two highest are reserved for projects with media other than just pictures.
5. Proofreading=5 I noticed some contractions, which you shouldn’t use in formal papers. A couple times, you unnecessarily capitalized words (“a White Rabbit” and “Shrunken State”—White Rabbit should only be capitalized when referring to him with the article “the.”)
6. Documentation= All is in order, except I believe you should use “#.” instead of “[#]” and once you forgot a space in the fifth endnote between the 5 and “Carroll.”
7. Punctuation=4 There were a couple comma splices, as well as a few commas where there should be none. Once, you forgot a hyphen in a phrase (“identity sticken”).
8. Word Choice=5 I felt that sometimes you were very informal and other times you sounded like you were trying too hard to be eloquent. Finding a balance between these two would be your best bet. You don’t have to sound grand. You clearly can be eloquent, so combine that with the casual style you used at the beginning, and I think your essay will be very much improved.
9. Conciseness=4 You could be very wordy, and I think that you could definitely get away with using much less summary. Overall, an interesting essay! You had some good ideas here, and I think that this is a good start, but needs polishing. If you have any questions or just ideas that you need to bounce off someone, leave a comment and I’ll see it and get back to you.
E349S March 1: Life As We Know It
Life As We Know It
The
final chapter from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland falls as a pivotal
monument in translating the overall thematic message of identity and
preservation of one's youth. The story ends with Alice's sister dreams
of how "this little sister of hers would, in the after-time, be herself a
grown woman; how she would keep, through all her riper years, the
simple and loving heart of her childhood."[1] The return of
Alice to her world symbolizes her final departure from a confusing
transitional period in light of her lack of identity and her realization
that she must not falter, she must not change, she must be true to
herself and her blossoming youth. She must never forget who she truly is
to become the woman she will eventually be. Alice's sister's
foretelling of the potential future leaves the reader on a high note,
highlighting the return of a new Alice: confident, unique, and enduring.
Alice has concluded her internal struggle, emerging from her dreams
with a true sense of reality. She realizes she must not conform to
societal demands, but rather, she must preserve the beauty of naivety
and youth within her.
Kids these days...or should I say Young Adults.
Just
as Carroll helps the reader grasp a greater understanding in the
importance of the preservation of childhood character an will, Hopkins
provides the reader with a humbling appreciation to the omniscient aura
of God and his presence in all spheres of life, even found in the
simplicity of nature. In his poem, The Windhover, Hopkins
provides a grandeur display of the glorification of Christ. The final
six lines emphasize the "relationship between God and the world" because
Hopkins implies "ma can contribute to this relationship by keeping in
mind Christ's example of obscure toil and self-sacrifice."[2] In comparison, Hopkin's poem God's Grandeur parallels the same
conviction with God's presence and impact in nature. From the very first
two lines, Hopkins denotes," the world is charged with the grandeur of
God/ it will flame our, like shining from shook foil."[3] The
poem stresses the direct relationship God and nature, implying
deviation from the God's natural world will weaken the religious
strength of man, while God will remain eternal in nature. The poem
strengthens the premise of Hopkin's The Windhover, as both poems
give way to the ultimate idea that God is everywhere, but he must be
sought out in the simple miracles of life, from a budding rose to a
soaring Windhover.
Only a child can truly appreciate God's creation
Works Cited
1. Lewis Carroll, The Annotated Alice: The Definitive Edition, (New York: W.W. Norton & Company, Inc, 2000), 126.
2. Gerard Manley Hopkins, The Major Works Including all the Poems and Selected Prose (New York: Oxford University Press, 2002), 353.
3. Hopkins, The Major Works, 128.
E349S February 7: It's a Mad World
It's a Mad World
The Many Faces of Madness
"And how do you know that you're mad?" (Carroll 66)
Lewis
Carroll provides insight to the discussion of sanity and insanity with
the conversation between Alice and the Cheshire Cat. The whole idea of
reality versus fantasy comes into play as well. Wonderland is clearly a
figment of Alice's imagination, but to a certain degree fantasy becomes
reality and the fine line between both is lost. when it comes down to
the nitty gritty truth, sanity is a ambiguous term with no set
definition or parameters. My sanity may be your insanity, in essence. To
further the idea of madness, the very backwards logic of the Cheshire
Cat in regards to the dog shows the reverse nature of madness and the
crazy nature of logic. Everything in Alice's fantasy world has no reason
nor rhyme, bringing the reader to contemplate whether Alice is indeed
mad or is the reader? It all comes down to interpretation, and the
surface level text seems to prove utterly wild, but with in depth
analysis, the story seems to ring a mild curiosity with the spark of
madness that we all have.
Perfection of Nature
"The
old earth, in its appearance, shows an eternal share of virtue; it is
only the human element that is faulty; it is man alone that is backward"
(Hopkins 344).
Hopkins
poem highlights the natural beauty of the world, and its untainted
perfection prior to the touch of mankind. The poem proves to be an ode
to the beauty nature provides, so crisp and celestial. The poem reminds
me of the need to focus on the little things, taking note to the beauty
all around us in the every day world. We are surrounded by mystery and
awe all around us, yet very few people have the time or concentration to
realize such. We are always on the go, running from errand to the next,
always thinking of the next step, the next task to be accomplished, the
next challenge ahead. In my opinion, this poem praises the beauty
within the natural world, the need to rejoice in the glory which
surrounds our busy, hustling days, year round. It is mankind that has
destroyed this beauty. It is human nature to pursue the thirst for
progress and knowledge, to strive for more in an ever-changing word.
Construction, progress, technological advancement, etc. have all led to
the destruction of nature's progression. Beautiful rain forests become
wood supplies, waterfalls turn into dams, pollution forces the world
into overdrive, etc. It is mankind that is the error in God's world,
unsuitable to fit in and coincide in harmony with the natural world all
around. Humanity is the flaw that will bring the world's end.
A
connection is found between Alice's discourse on insanity and Hopkin's
poem because both highlight the backward nature of man, and its
subsequent madness. The backwards logic in relation to Alice highlights
madness, and the backwards nature of man has resulted in the destruction
of nature and God's world.
Both
readings reminded me of Gary Jules' song "Mad World". I placed the link
below, seeing I had issues attaching the MPEG file. The lyrics are
below:
Source URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hW93CV6m-JU
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world
The Many Faces of Madness
"And how do you know that you're mad?" (Carroll 66)
Lewis
Carroll provides insight to the discussion of sanity and insanity with
the conversation between Alice and the Cheshire Cat. The whole idea of
reality versus fantasy comes into play as well. Wonderland is clearly a
figment of Alice's imagination, but to a certain degree fantasy becomes
reality and the fine line between both is lost. when it comes down to
the nitty gritty truth, sanity is a ambiguous term with no set
definition or parameters. My sanity may be your insanity, in essence. To
further the idea of madness, the very backwards logic of the Cheshire
Cat in regards to the dog shows the reverse nature of madness and the
crazy nature of logic. Everything in Alice's fantasy world has no reason
nor rhyme, bringing the reader to contemplate whether Alice is indeed
mad or is the reader? It all comes down to interpretation, and the
surface level text seems to prove utterly wild, but with in depth
analysis, the story seems to ring a mild curiosity with the spark of
madness that we all have.
Perfection of Nature
"The
old earth, in its appearance, shows an eternal share of virtue; it is
only the human element that is faulty; it is man alone that is backward"
(Hopkins 344).
Hopkins
poem highlights the natural beauty of the world, and its untainted
perfection prior to the touch of mankind. The poem proves to be an ode
to the beauty nature provides, so crisp and celestial. The poem reminds
me of the need to focus on the little things, taking note to the beauty
all around us in the every day world. We are surrounded by mystery and
awe all around us, yet very few people have the time or concentration to
realize such. We are always on the go, running from errand to the next,
always thinking of the next step, the next task to be accomplished, the
next challenge ahead. In my opinion, this poem praises the beauty
within the natural world, the need to rejoice in the glory which
surrounds our busy, hustling days, year round. It is mankind that has
destroyed this beauty. It is human nature to pursue the thirst for
progress and knowledge, to strive for more in an ever-changing word.
Construction, progress, technological advancement, etc. have all led to
the destruction of nature's progression. Beautiful rain forests become
wood supplies, waterfalls turn into dams, pollution forces the world
into overdrive, etc. It is mankind that is the error in God's world,
unsuitable to fit in and coincide in harmony with the natural world all
around. Humanity is the flaw that will bring the world's end.
A
connection is found between Alice's discourse on insanity and Hopkin's
poem because both highlight the backward nature of man, and its
subsequent madness. The backwards logic in relation to Alice highlights
madness, and the backwards nature of man has resulted in the destruction
of nature and God's world.
Both
readings reminded me of Gary Jules' song "Mad World". I placed the link
below, seeing I had issues attaching the MPEG file. The lyrics are
below:
Source URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hW93CV6m-JU
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world
E349S February 2: The World is God's Beauty
Do not Speak, Do not Define, Be in Awe
Hopkins
and Tolle both comment on the beauty of nature and its omniscient
connection to the celestial essence of God; both individuals note the
underlying bond between everything and the almighty God, himself. Tolle
argues that "when men don't cover up the world with words and labels, a
sense of the miraculous returns to [his or her] life that was lost a
long time ago when humanity, instead of using thought, became possessed
by thought" (Tolle, 109). Because Tolle notes, "everything
is not only connected with everything else, but also with the Source of
all life out of which it came," he blatantly highlights the power of
communication and universality of everything in relation to the
omniscient God, strengthening the idea that imposing words or labels on
the essence of life, it hinders the sense of awe and rediscovery of
"[his or her] essential self as prior to any words" (Tolle 109). The
shackling characteristic of the sense of "I" forces individuals to
attach labels and verbal meaning to "things, people, or situations,"
thus forcing reality to become even more dark and shallow. Tolle argues
people have gone from utilizing language as a resource to translate the
beauty and mystery of God's creation to becoming enchained by the
constraint of wording alone, stripping the man of wisdom and his living
appreciation for all. 
Gods Creation, God's Eternal Message to Man
Hopkins
also agrees that man can only truly know himself if he frees himself
from the idea of labels and verbal attachments, realizing men are
connected by a superior celestial force. Even in Hopkins' poem,
"Hurrahing in Harvest," the speaker notes the beauty of nature and its
celestial quality in relation to a God almighty, perhaps this "Source"
Tolle speaks of. He compares "the azuroud hills are his world-wielding
shoulder" and as majestic as a "stalltion stalwart, very-violet sweet"
and personifies nature to a superior authority that embodies existence
of man as a whole. Ironically, Hopkins embodies his poem with the
implication of self and I, trapping his thoughts and understanding of
life and nature to the imprisoning walls of misrepresentation. Hopkins
proves a perfect example of Tolle's argued switch in mental thought,
where man covers the world with meanings and definitions, sucking it dry
of any remnants of awe and miraculous display. The idea of self and I
harm the deeper bond between God and the universality of creation, with
the attempt to define the construct of life into words which fall short
of justification and full embodiment of nature, beauty, and wisdom.
Tolle understands what is is to live, Hopkins only tries to grasp life
in definitive construct.
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