Cameron McNeel
In an effort to remain concise I shall list the 9 criteria and there corresponding score next to them. Personally I might explore more of that relationship between Burton and Carroll. There is a good amount of feeling in there that could buttress your argument.
1. 5
2. 5
3. 6
4. 5
5. 7
6. 7
7. 6
8. 6
9. 5
Blake Earl
Carroll opens the story right off with a simple setting, with an immediate inciting action, that being the witnessing of the white rabbit, giving way to the immediate flow of the plot.
Rewrite: Carroll opens with a simple setting and immediate inciting action (seeing the white rabbit), both give way to the initial flow of the plot.
1. Unity, Coherency, and Flow – 5
Some paragraphs jumped between ideas and did not seem to have a connection. One particular paragraph starts comparing her experience to the hall of doors, and then jumps to the differences between child and adult Alice.
2. Organization and Logical Order of the Prose – 6
The order was generally chronological, occasionally jumping from difference between the story and Tim Burton’s adaptation. Still, it seemed like some information was out of place.
3. Specificity and “Concreteness”: Examples, Verbal Images, Metaphors, Similes, Evidence, Supporting Details – 5
You could support some of the differences you mentioned more. I, for one, know the characters say, “She’s the wrong Alice!” multiple times. This would be a clear indication of the point you were trying to make.
4. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric – 5
The images for Tim Burton’s adaptation were nice, but could be improved if you referred to them in the text and made them relevant. Some comparison picture would help too.
5. Proofreading: Typos, Spelling, and Grammar – 6
I didn’t see many typo or spelling errors, but I think another read through would help you with some grammar problems.
6. Documentation – 7
Everything is correctly cited and explained.
7. Punctuation – 5
Many times I found myself fighting my way through a sentence to link the subject and verb. What out for unnecessary appositives.
8. Word Choice – 6
Your word choice is fresh and fits well with the modern subject, but some places it is over-used and inflated. Here is an example of some repetitions:
She comes to realize Hamish plans to propose to her at the party, as it happens to be a her very own engagement party, seeing Hamish will propose to Alice. .
doors all around…doors all around
9. Conciseness – 6
I thought your prose was prepared properly and can see the effort in it. There are still a few areas that could use improvement and clarity. Expand your idea about the implications of having Alice as an 18-year-old.
Overall – 6
A very enjoyable essay. I like that you analyzed a modern take on Alice. I can’t wait to read the rest and learn more about your ideas.
Christopher Contreras
Sentence: “Reality is the perception of the beholder, and more so, personality defines that reality.”
View and Rewrite: This sentence is very reminiscent of the cliché, “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.” As a result, it is discomforting and suggest a lack of effort. While I feel it is perfectly okay to attempt to reflect the point of the idiom, I also feel it should be said in an original way. For example:
“Reality is a multi-dimensional idea, stretched and skewed uniquely by one's experiences.”
1. Unity, Coherence & Flow- 5 Good: fairly good flow, with some evidence of transitions, with perhaps one obvious interruption
The body of the essay has a respectable organization and I believe there is potential for you to really define the binaries of Lewis Carroll's version of Alice, and Tim Burtons. That being said, I feel the professor may a lack of flow in a key place – your introduction. In the introduction, you tell the readers what Tim Burton's film does (creates a contempory, relatable Alice) and immediately discuss a summary of Carroll's version. The sudden rush into your summary caused me to read and re-read your intro to find what the thesis was. I feel the professor would advise fixing this.
2. Organization and Logical Order of the Prose – 6
Your essays has a corresponding timeline to the Alice works, and the chronology of the book guides your essay. I feel that this works. You speak of the events in the order they present themselves in the novel and film.
3. Specificity and “Concreteness”: Examples, Verbal Images, Metaphors, Similes, Evidence, Supporting Details – 4
The essay was summary heavy and I'm not confident that you accessed real depth with Alice in Wonderland. In effect, the summary competes with your analysis. Yes, they are different, but can you tell the reader uniquely how they are different. I feel as if you could show readers more of the context in which the films were created (the time period, current events, etc). I don't feel it's enough to compare the categories “original” and “modern.” Create sub-categories of these two and compare them.
4. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric – 4.
I was not sure how these images related to your text. I can gather from class experience, as I suspect the professor would, that these images correspond with the paragraph's topic, but I feel you could add to their rhetorical “umph.” Such a way might be to compare the imagery and the difference in rhetoric between film and Carroll's illustrations.
5. Proofreading: Typos, Spelling, and Grammar – 6
There were few to be corrected, but there is a non-specific feeling of verbosity at some points, followed by short, choppy sentences. I will relate these to your punctuation. Please refer to the punctuation section.
6. Documentation – 7
Your documentation is correct.
7. Punctuation – 5
Your punctuation is for the most part, correct, but it is not used to produce mature, college-level sentences. Here is an example: “The conversing characters reveal Alice is actually returning to Wonderland, eleven years after her initial exposure to Wonderland as a naive child. She undergoes the same process of guess and check, regulating her size to appropriately fit within the smaller-set door. Rather than utilize the younger Alice within the movie, the older Alice provides a significantly more appealing mode of translation for the overall message of true identity and paving one's one path in life. By replacing younger Alice, the gender and role affiliations found between female audience members and Alice are more susceptible to real-life association. “
The ideas themselves are mature, but this section is assailed with commas, which might make the reader fneed to revisit your sentences from time to time.
8. Word Choice – 4
I would be careful with the use of your own words and the use of an outside sources. In some instances, 3rd party speech overpowers your own. Here is an example:
“The audience members hear "the voice of several characters, looking at Alice through the keyhole," wondering "‘You'd think she'd remember all this from the first time.’"
Only 5 words in the above sentence are your,s, and you have filled in the rest with a source. I would revisit your essay for similar examples and see if this is the best word choice.
9. Conciseness – 5
Again, I feel this portion of the critique lends itself to a misuse of punctuation and wording. There is effort and sincerity in your work, and it reflects. This alone though is not enough. For the sake of ease, here is the example I used earlier. Trim it down some, and other lenghty excerpts. It will work wonders for conciseness.
“The conversing characters reveal Alice is actually returning to Wonderland, eleven years after her initial exposure to Wonderland as a naive child. She undergoes the same process of guess and check, regulating her size to appropriately fit within the smaller-set door. Rather than utilize the younger Alice within the movie, the older Alice provides a significantly more appealing mode of translation for the overall message of true identity and paving one's one path in life. By replacing younger Alice, the gender and role affiliations found between female audience members and Alice are more susceptible to real-life association. “
Hannah Voss
Original: To further distort the plot of the story, Tim Burton's adaption changes one critical aspect of the story as a whole. That being, Alice is returning to Wonderland as an adult.
Suggested revision: Tim Burton’s adaptation distorts the story as a whole by changing one of the most critical aspects of the story’s plot: Alice returning to Wonderland as an adult.
1. Unity/coherence/flow: (6) I had trouble distinguishing your argument, but for the most part, everything connected well.
2. Organization: (6) Discussing everything chronologically was a good choice and I thought that your essay was organized very well.
3. Specificity: (5) Maybe try backing up your evidence with more of your own personal insight.
4. Visual Rhetoric: (7) The pictures worked very well and were obviously relevant.
5. Proofreading: (6) Some sentences were choppy.
6. Documentation (7) Very thorough and no noticeable errors.
7. Punctuation: (5) Some sentences were kind of choppy.
8. Word choice: (6) Appropriate and concise word choice.
9. Conciseness: (7) I thought the essay was concise and to the point throughout.
Megan Hanlon
I love that I can really hear your voice in this paper. It’s not boring and factually like most essays; it feels like you’re just having a conversation with the reader and explaining your viewpoint. It’s very refreshing.
“The meeting with the Caterpillar is vital in translating the thematic elements of the story because Alice proves to be just like any other teenage girl, unsure of herself, confused with the societal constraints and demands she must face, deemed to fall slave to the whims of culture.“
“The meeting with the Caterpillar is vital in translating the thematic elements of the story because Alice proves to be just like any other teenage girl: unsure of herself, confused with the societal constraints and demands she must face, and deemed to fall slave to the whims of Victorian culture.“
1. Unity/Coherence/Flow=5pts. The first paragraph flows a little too well, in that it should really be broken into multiple paragraphs. Each paragraph should have one main idea. Is this your thesis: ”Tim Burton's film adaptation to Lewis Carroll's classic children's novel, Alice in Wonderland, provides the audience with a modern and contemporary portrayal of the search for identity and journey from adolescence to adulthood, by altering various plot elements to appeal to today's generations.”? If so, that might be a good place to add a paragraph break.
2. Organization= 6pts. I understand the nature of your paper, so I personally like the way you jump right into it without an intro, but since this is an English course you should probably consider breaking your first paragraph up and establishing a thesis within the first couple sentences before jumping right into the body of your paper.
3. Specificity and “Concreteness”= 7pts. Lots of quotes to back up claims, well done.
4. Integration of Verbal/Visual Rhetoric= 5pts. Good use of stillshots from the movie to give readers who haven’t seen it a better idea of Burton’s style in opposition to Carroll’s.
5. Proofreading= 6pts. Sentence structure is more informal than usual, which I enjoy, but others may not.
6. Citations= 7pts. Good job citing everything you used
7. Punctuation= 6pts. Looks right to me, except for corrected sentence.
8. Word Choice= 6pts. Conversational word choice adds to conversational tone
9. Conciseness= 6pts. Some sentences could certainly be deleted to cut down on the word count, but I don’t think that conciseness is necessarily more desirable in a paper than readability, so I’m going to suggest leaving sentences like “It's basically impossible” and “C'est la vie.” in, instead of cutting them because they might be seen as “unnecessary”.
Christine Scott
" Lewis Carroll's original text begins with young Alice, seven years of age, "beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank," simply minding her own business until a White Rabbit with a watch in hand, runs in a flurry, worrisome of his tardy demeanor”
The first part of this sentence is fine, but after the quote, the sentence falls apart. Firstly, “worrisome of” and “demeanor” are both misused. In addition, you’re missing a preposition after “runs.” Finally, a bit of rewording would help the flow. I would advise revising the last part of this sentence to say something similar to “simply minding her own business until a while rabbit, watch in hand, runs past in a flurry, bemoaning his tardiness.”
1. Unity, Coherence, and Flow=5
I felt that wordiness could “block up” the flow at times, and you often got bogged down in summary so that it wasn’t always easy to follow your main points.
2. Organization and logical order of prose=6
You followed the logical order of starting at the beginning of the story and progressing through it—simple enough, but effective. Your ideas carried over smoothly. Good work!
3. Specificity and Concreteness=5
All of your claims are backed up adequately. Unfortunately, sometimes you went into too much depth, especially with summary. You need to back up into more general territory at times, connecting aspects of the film and book with your own overarching ideas.
4. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric=5
Your images were well-placed and effective. I would give you higher, but the two highest are reserved for projects with media other than just pictures.
5. Proofreading=5
I noticed some contractions, which you shouldn’t use in formal papers. A couple times, you unnecessarily capitalized words (“a White Rabbit” and “Shrunken State”—White Rabbit should only be capitalized when referring to him with the article “the.”)
6. Documentation= All is in order, except I believe you should use “#.” instead of “[#]” and once you forgot a space in the fifth endnote between the 5 and “Carroll.”
7. Punctuation=4
There were a couple comma splices, as well as a few commas where there should be none. Once, you forgot a hyphen in a phrase (“identity sticken”).
8. Word Choice=5
I felt that sometimes you were very informal and other times you sounded like you were trying too hard to be eloquent. Finding a balance between these two would be your best bet. You don’t have to sound grand. You clearly can be eloquent, so combine that with the casual style you used at the beginning, and I think your essay will be very much improved.
9. Conciseness=4
You could be very wordy, and I think that you could definitely get away with using much less summary.
Overall, an interesting essay! You had some good ideas here, and I think that this is a good start, but needs polishing. If you have any questions or just ideas that you need to bounce off someone, leave a comment and I’ll see it and get back to you.
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