Valerie
1. Unity, Coherence, and Flow:
• Did the writing flow smoothly so you could follow the main argument?
• Can you find the main points?
• Are the transitions from one point to the next harsh, or do they transition naturally?
• Is the order developed and sustained within and across paragraphs using transitional devices?
• Is the introduction inviting?
• Is the conclusion satisfying?
• Do paragraphs deal with one subject?
Sentence to be Revised: "Before I begin analyzing any handwriting, it is important to explain some basic information about handwriting analysis."
Pointers: You can transition your paragraphs smoother by inputting introductory sentences that slowly dive into the topic rather than presenting them so quickly. I've always learned to try and avoid first person point of view when taking on formal writing, but I am not sure if Professor Bump has a preference. Also try and combine some of your separate paragraphs, seeing there are many that can be siphoned into singular ideas.
Revision: Handwriting analysis is subject to very specific guidelines and methodology, and thus, some vital components of the process must be explained.
Rating: 5
2. Organization and Logical Order of the Prose
7. Apparently perfect organization and logical order.
6. Very good: Effective organization and fairly logical order.
5. Good: Functional organization and fairly logical order.
4. Average: Consistent organization and some logical order, with some interruptions.
3. Poor : Confused arrangement and inconsistent logical order, with quite a few interruptions.
2. Very poor: Minimal control and little logical order, with many interruptions.
1. Disastrous: No apparent control, no logical order, no apparent organization.
Sentence to be Revised:"Finally, Dodgson’s correspondence to Bee (again with the huge letter B) from June 14th, 1891, gives me cause for concern. "
Pointers: Smoothy; transition this paragraph with the two prior to it, it reads very abrupt and the flow is ideas is very jumpy.
Revision: One other letter that stands out in Dodgson’s December 28th correspondence to May is the overly inflated letter “B,” when he writes, “Be sure…” Such a large letter “B” exposes a person who needs to attract attention. This is no surprise for a person of Dodgson’s literary skill. He was definitely an entertainer. Even in Dodgson’s correspondence to Bee (again with the huge letter B) from June 14th, 1891, the attention deficit falls hand in hand with far more serious concerns..
Rating: 6
3.Specificity and "Concreteness"
Does the essay move easily between general and specific? Are claims supported by specific, detailed evidence and/or examples? Does concrete language anchor the essay, engaging the senses, and keeping it from becoming too vague? Are the basic stories and/or emotions behind the essay shown or demonstrated in personal, specific, concrete examples, images, metaphors, similes, and/or supporting sensory details that enable us to experience the world through another’s perspective?
Sentence to be Revised:" One other letter that stands out in Dodgson’s December 28th correspondence to May is the overly inflated letter “B,” when he writes, “Be sure…” Such a large letter “B” exposes a person who needs to attract attention. This is no surprise for a person of Dodgson’s literary skill. He was definitely an entertainer."
Pointers:Try and provide further insight and commentary regarding his script.
Revision: Provide more analysis at the end after "He was definitely an entertainer."
Rating: 5
4. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric
• IS THE ORGANIZATION OF THE VISUAL AND VERBAL RHETORIC CLEAR?
• ARE THE IMAGES/MULTIMEDIA ESSENTIAL TO THE ESSAY OR NOT?
• ARE THE IMAGES/MULTIMEDIA DISCUSSED, OR AT LEAST REFERRED TO, IN THE TEXT?
• ARE THE IMAGES/MULTIMEDIA PLACED NEXT TO THE WORDS THAT CONNECT TO THEM?
Sentence to be Revised:N/A
Pointers: The visual and verbal rhetoric complement each other very well, as they are both needed to fully argue the script of Lewis Carroll. Just as earlier stated, try and provide more analysis and commentary in regards to his writing style and its deeper meaning when investigating the persona of Lewis Carroll
Revision:
Rating: 6
5. Proofreading: Typos, Spelling, and Grammar Errors
7 There are no apparent grammar, spelling, or proofreading errors.
6 There are one or two minor errors, but the prose flows fairly well.
5 There are two or three minor errors, but the prose moves along well enough.
4 There are a number of errors that force the reader to hesitate, however briefly, to figure out what the writer intended. There is some doubt as to how much of the assigned reading on spellchecks, and proofreading has been read or understood. In as much as half of the essay the flow would benefit from better proofreading.
3 Apparently not much of the assigned reading on spellchecks and proofreading has been read or understood, forcing the reader often to hesitate, however briefly, to figure out what the writer intended. In as much as two-thirds of the essay the flow would benefit from better proofreading.
2. The author appears often unaware of the appropriate use of grammar, spellchecks,and proofreading, and most of the flow of the essay suffers as a result.
1. The proofreading, and/or spelling, and/or grammar is atrocious and the essay does not flow at all.
Sentence to be Revised: N/A
Pointers: I couldn't find any obvious mistakes off bat, and I say just alternate syntactical structure in regards to simple and complex sentences a little more to strengthen the argument.
Revision:N/A
Rating: 6
6. Documentation
7. All the images and quotations are fully documented perfectly according to the University of Chicago documentation system.
6 All the images and quotations are documented according to the University of Chicago documentation system, but there are one or two minor errors.
5 All the images and quotations are documented according to the University of Chicago documentation system, but there are two or three minor errors.
4 Not all the images and quotations are documented according to the University of Chicago documentation system. There is some doubt as to how much of the reading in the handbook on the University of Chicago documentation system has been read or understood. A third or so of the images and/or quotations need better documentation.
3 Apparently not much of reading in the handbook on the University of Chicago documentation system has been read or understood, forcing the reader often to hesitate, however briefly, to figure out what the writer's sources are. Most of the images and/or quotations need better documentation.
2. The author appears unaware of the University of Chicago documentation system.
1. The author appears unaware of the need for documentation.
Sentence to be Revised:N/A
Pointers:N/A
Revision:N/A
Rating: 7
7. Punctuation:
7 The author has used punctuation like a great composer uses musical notation and as a result the prose flows beautifully. The punctuation appears to be perfect.
6 The punctuation guides the reader effectively, and there are no obvious moments of hesitation or stumbling as a result, but the punctuation could probably work even better if revised.
5 The punctuation is generally effective, but there are one or two places where it could be changed, added, or removed to improve the flow of the essay.
4 There is some doubt as to how much of the assigned reading on punctuation has been read or understood. In as much as half of the essay the flow would benefit from changing, adding, or removing punctuation.
3 .Not much of the assigned reading on punctuation has been read or understood. In as much as two-thirds of the essay the flow would benefit from changing, adding, or removing punctuation.
2. The author appears unaware of the appropriate use of many modes of punctuation, and most of the flow of the essay suffers as a result.
1. The punctuation is atrocious and the essay does not flow at all.
Sentence to be Revised:One other letter that stands out in Dodgson’s December 28th correspondence to May is the overly inflated letter “B,” when he writes, “Be sure…” Such a large letter “B” exposes a person who needs to attract attention.
Pointers: Try and prevent wordiness by utilizing commas, etc.
Revision:In Dodgson's December 28th correspondence to May, it is interesting to note the enlargement of the letter "B," which exposes the need for attention.
Rating: 5
8. Word Choice:
7 The diction is fresh, witty, and very specific. You cannot see anywhere that it could possibly be improved.
6 You cannot see how the diction might be easily improved, but it is not very witty, fresh, or striking.
5 The diction is first-rate but there are one or two words that could be replaced with better ones.
4 The diction is good but there are a number of words and/or one or two sections that might be improved by revision.
3. The diction is adequate but the author does not appear to have taken the time to revise for word choice.
2. The diction is mediocre, boring, at times vague: lots of useless repetition, empty abstractions, passive voice, needlessly protracted sentences, empty intensifiers, expletives and impersonal constructions like “there is” and “it is.”
1. The word choice is so poor that at times it is difficult to tell exactly what the author is trying to say.
Sentence to be Revised: "This zone is also about actions, the actual functions we perform as humans."
Pointers: Try the thesaurus to replace certain "be" verbs like am, are, is, was because they weaken the overall flow and argument.
Revision: This zone also provides insight regarding human nature and action.
Rating: 5
9. Conciseness:
7. Succinct, powerful prose, undiluted by unnecessary verbiage.
6. Economical prose. No section, no word choice, could be easily revised for conciseness.
5. Fairly concise prose, but various words if not sections suggest there is some redundance or repetition that could cut to increase the conciseness.
4. Adequate prose but some repetition, redundance, wordiness, unnecessary modifiers, empty intensifiers, or unnecessarily long and convoluted sentences and thus about a third of the essaywould benefit clearly from cutting the waste.
3. About half of the essay needs excision of repetition, redundance, wordiness, unnecessary modifiers, empty intensifiers, or unnecessarily long and convoluted sentences.
2. Essay as a whole needs excision of repetition, redundance, wordiness, unnecessary modifiers, empty intensifiers, or unnecessarily long and convoluted sentences.
1. The excess verbiage is so great that some of the meaning of the essay is obscured.
Sentence to be Revised: Basically, that means that the upper zone can show a person’s hopes for the future, their own ideas of who they are, and their artistic vision and inspiration.
Pointers:Try and create succinct ideas that don't disrupt flow.
Revision: The upper zone portrays a person’s hopes for the future, his or her own ideas of who he or she is, and his or her artistic vision and inspiration.
Rating: 5
Chris
1. Unity, Coherence, and Flow:
• Did the writing flow smoothly so you could follow the main argument?
• Can you find the main points?
• Are the transitions from one point to the next harsh, or do they transition naturally?
• Is the order developed and sustained within and across paragraphs using transitional devices?
• Is the introduction inviting?
• Is the conclusion satisfying?
• Do paragraphs deal with one subject?
Sentence to be Revised:A novel which can be described as a multi-dimensional exploration of sexuality, Alice in Wonderland includes the sexual maturation of a young girl in its literary expedition
Pointers: Provide a broader topic as the initial introductory sentence to create a funnel effect for your thesis.
Revision: Adolescent growth implies a multi-dimensional exploration of sexuality, provided the curious and innocent nature of youth and maturation.
Rating: 5
2. Organization and Logical Order of the Prose
7. Apparently perfect organization and logical order.
6. Very good: Effective organization and fairly logical order.
5. Good: Functional organization and fairly logical order.
4. Average: Consistent organization and some logical order, with some interruptions.
3. Poor : Confused arrangement and inconsistent logical order, with quite a few interruptions.
2. Very poor: Minimal control and little logical order, with many interruptions.
1. Disastrous: No apparent control, no logical order, no apparent organization.
Sentence to be Revised:The first in a series of events which equate growth with arousal is Alice's discovery of a small door
Pointers: Try and provide subjects prior to verb use while introducing a topic for discussion.
Revision: Alice's discovery of the small door in the circular hall is the first in a series of events that heighten Alice's arousal for discovery.
Rating: 5
3.Specificity and "Concreteness"
Does the essay move easily between general and specific? Are claims supported by specific, detailed evidence and/or examples? Does concrete language anchor the essay, engaging the senses, and keeping it from becoming too vague? Are the basic stories and/or emotions behind the essay shown or demonstrated in personal, specific, concrete examples, images, metaphors, similes, and/or supporting sensory details that enable us to experience the world through another’s perspective?
Sentence to be Revised:Carroll delves into his frustrations and expresses similar beliefs without hesitation.
Pointers: Smoothy transition certain ideas or they may seem choppy and abrupt. To further the sexual nuances of the novel, Carroll delves into his own frustrations and beliefs, beginning with the Alice's pursuit of the White rabbit into Wonderland.
Revision: To further the sexual nuances of the novel, Carroll delves into his own frustrations and beliefs, beginning with the Alice's pursuit of the White rabbit into Wonderland.
Rating: 4
4. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rehtoric
• IS THE ORGANIZATION OF THE VISUAL AND VERBAL RHETORIC CLEAR?
• ARE THE IMAGES/MULTIMEDIA ESSENTIAL TO THE ESSAY OR NOT?
• ARE THE IMAGES/MULTIMEDIA DISCUSSED, OR AT LEAST REFERRED TO, IN THE TEXT?
• ARE THE IMAGES/MULTIMEDIA PLACED NEXT TO THE WORDS THAT CONNECT TO THEM?
Sentence to be Revised:N/A
Pointers: Great organization of both rhetoric forms as they are embedded within the text appropriately.
Revision:N/A
Rating: 7
5. Proofreading: Typos, Spelling, and Grammar Errors
7 There are no apparent grammar, spelling, or proofreading errors.
6 There are one or two minor errors, but the prose flows fairly well.
5 There are two or three minor errors, but the prose moves along well enough.
4 There are a number of errors that force the reader to hesitate, however briefly, to figure out what the writer intended. There is some doubt as to how much of the assigned reading on spellchecks, and proofreading has been read or understood. In as much as half of the essay the flow would benefit from better proofreading.
3 Apparently not much of the assigned reading on spellchecks and proofreading has been read or understood, forcing the reader often to hesitate, however briefly, to figure out what the writer intended. In as much as two-thirds of the essay the flow would benefit from better proofreading.
2. The author appears often unaware of the appropriate use of grammar, spellchecks,and proofreading, and most of the flow of the essay suffers as a result.
1. The proofreading, and/or spelling, and/or grammar is atrocious and the essay does not flow at all.
Sentence to be Revised:
Pointers:
Revision: I couldn't find any major mistakes off of first hand read, but there may be a few mistakes
Rating: 6
6. Documentation
7. All the images and quotations are fully documented perfectly according to the University of Chicago documentation system.
6 All the images and quotations are documented according to the University of Chicago documentation system, but there are one or two minor errors.
5 All the images and quotations are documented according to the University of Chicago documentation system, but there are two or three minor errors.
4 Not all the images and quotations are documented according to the University of Chicago documentation system. There is some doubt as to how much of the reading in the handbook on the University of Chicago documentation system has been read or understood. A third or so of the images and/or quotations need better documentation.
3 Apparently not much of reading in the handbook on the University of Chicago documentation system has been read or understood, forcing the reader often to hesitate, however briefly, to figure out what the writer's sources are. Most of the images and/or quotations need better documentation.
2. The author appears unaware of the University of Chicago documentation system.
1. The author appears unaware of the need for documentation.
Sentence to be Revised:
Pointers:
Revision:
Rating: 7
7. Punctuation:
7 The author has used punctuation like a great composer uses musical notation and as a result the prose flows beautifully. The punctuation appears to be perfect.
6 The punctuation guides the reader effectively, and there are no obvious moments of hesitation or stumbling as a result, but the punctuation could probably work even better if revised.
5 The punctuation is generally effective, but there are one or two places where it could be changed, added, or removed to improve the flow of the essay.
4 There is some doubt as to how much of the assigned reading on punctuation has been read or understood. In as much as half of the essay the flow would benefit from changing, adding, or removing punctuation.
3 .Not much of the assigned reading on punctuation has been read or understood. In as much as two-thirds of the essay the flow would benefit from changing, adding, or removing punctuation.
2. The author appears unaware of the appropriate use of many modes of punctuation, and most of the flow of the essay suffers as a result.
1. The punctuation is atrocious and the essay does not flow at all.
Sentence to be Revised:"Consumption and growth are the mediums in which Alice must learn the importance of chastity and given her final return to the garden, Carroll is successful."
Pointers: Alternate sentence structure and provide better flow by adding commas wherever necessary, and separating run on sentences into simple concise sentences.
Revision:Consumption and growth are the mediums in which Alice must learn the importance of chastity and given her final return to the garden. Carroll is successful.
Rating: 5
8. Word Choice:
7 The diction is fresh, witty, and very specific. You cannot see anywhere that it could possibly be improved.
6 You cannot see how the diction might be easily improved, but it is not very witty, fresh, or striking.
5 The diction is first-rate but there are one or two words that could be replaced with better ones.
4 The diction is good but there are a number of words and/or one or two sections that might be improved by revision.
3. The diction is adequate but the author does not appear to have taken the time to revise for word choice.
2. The diction is mediocre, boring, at times vague: lots of useless repetition, empty abstractions, passive voice, needlessly protracted sentences, empty intensifiers, expletives and impersonal constructions like “there is” and “it is.”
1. The word choice is so poor that at times it is difficult to tell exactly what the author is trying to say.
Sentence to be Revised:
Pointers: Great word Choice, as most of the paper varies in diction. Simple words here and there can be substituted for better synonyms, but I can't pick anything out especially.
Revision:
Rating: 7
9. Conciseness:
7. Succinct, powerful prose, undiluted by unnecessary verbiage.
6. Economical prose. No section, no word choice, could be easily revised for conciseness.
5. Fairly concise prose, but various words if not sections suggest there is some redundance or repetition that could cut to increase the conciseness.
4. Adequate prose but some repetition, redundance, wordiness, unnecessary modifiers, empty intensifiers, or unnecessarily long and convoluted sentences and thus about a third of the essaywould benefit clearly from cutting the waste.
3. About half of the essay needs excision of repetition, redundance, wordiness, unnecessary modifiers, empty intensifiers, or unnecessarily long and convoluted sentences.
2. Essay as a whole needs excision of repetition, redundance, wordiness, unnecessary modifiers, empty intensifiers, or unnecessarily long and convoluted sentences.
1. The excess verbiage is so great that some of the meaning of the essay is obscured.
Sentence to be Revised:Once again, she is in an improper situation and the reader can see many of the story's earlier symbols begin to repeat: the Mad Hare is an established symbol of fertility, the Dormouse's story parallels Alice's descent down the rabbit hole, and the Hatter's riddle is the Caterpillar's question.
Pointers:Try and create more concise ideas by focusing on a strong point in sentences. You sometimes try to do too much with a sentence and the strong conclusions you form are lost in translation.
Revision: Once again, she is in an improper situation and the reader can see many of the story's earlier symbols begin to repeat. The Mad Hare is an established symbol of fertility, the Dormouse's story parallels Alice's descent down the rabbit hole, and the Hatter's riddle is the Caterpillar's question.
Rating: 6
Blake
Sentence: Alice’- s initiation into Wonderland alerts the reader that she is entering into a new realm.
Revision: Alice's initial initiation into Wonderland alerts the reader that she is entering into a new realm.
1. Unity, Coherence and Flow: 4
Some of the paragraphs provide smooth transitions, while others fail to successfully bridge the gap between ideas. The thesis and argument provided in the introduction point toward a different path than is presented in the following body paragraphs. I would fine tune your thesis to overview your body paragraphs a little more, and tie each paragraph back to the original thesis with a solid conclusion sentence.
2. Organization and Logical Order of Prose: 5
The paper follows a strict time line of Alice's adventure but in relation to the overall thesis, the last few paragraphs fall out of place. Try and organize your evidence in a means that coincides better with the idea of progression of some and time rather than the linear timeline of Alice's Adventures. Paragraphs 2 and 3 accent each other in topic, and could be joined together to provide a better organization of ideas.
3. Specificity and “Concreteness”: 5
Utilize your evidence a little better by relating such back to the original thesis and try and find some quotes that are better suitable and have more relation to the arguments you provide, or find some more insight to bridge quotes to commentary.
4. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric: 5
The layout of your pictures is logical, but you should tie them into the text of your paper. The only reason this is a 3 is because you didn't mention the pictures in your text.
The photos are provided perfectly with the layout of the text, but try and tie the pictures closer into your essay by discussing such in the writing itself, provide in depth foot notes, or caption the pictures with some more depth to strengthen the paper with visual rhetoric.
5. Proofreading: 4
There are some minor grammatical errors and syntactical errors that need to be fixed, like the sentence I utilized for revision. Try reading your paper paragraph by paragraph to find better ways to format these in relation to the thesis overall.
6. Documentation: 4
Footnotes should not be repeated with the numbers, but a new footnote must be created with each citation or embedded quote added.
7. Punctuation: 5
Superscripts for the citation footnotes need to come after the punctuation, not before. The overall syntactical structure seems great though.
8. Word Choice: 5
Try and avoid passive voice as much as possible. and find synonyms for simple words. Try and not repeat words throughout the paper, you can use Word to do so.
9. Conciseness: 5
Your message tends to be misconstrued with sentences that are not organized into succinct ideas. Focus on formatting your thesis, and rework your points to gear towards the overall argument a little better. ("Time seems to go by slower, as the narrator asks, “Would the fall never come to an end?”1 and gravity has also changed since “she had plenty of time as she went down to look about her, and to wonder what was going to happen next”1.") Try re-organizing to provide a concise embedded quote.
Catherine
Sentence: No one is clear what sin, if there even was one, that Carroll felt he needed to be forgiven for, but it is obvious that he desperately sought answers from God.
Revision: There is no clear cut interpretation of the supposed sin Carroll sought redemption for.
1. Unity, Coherence and Flow: 5
The paper flows very smoothly throughout the majority of the beginning, until the last three paragraphs, which do not transition as nicely. For example " Lewis Carroll’s obsession with children stemmed from his admiration of their …" The topic sentences for the last three paragraphs need to overview the discussions found in those paragraphs a little better. Rather than go immediately into the argument, provide an introduction for such. The argument is solid, reflected in the overall thesis and the referral of commentary back to evidence of the thesis throughout.
2. Organization and Logical Order of Prose: 5
After the three distinct situations from Carroll's early life, the paper tends to lack organization these three ideas coincide but the information immediately after jumps topics and doesn't connect well. Try creating a bridge between the events from Carroll's early life to the rest of the paper.
3. Specificity and “Concreteness”: 6
Great movement of ideas from general to specific, and the quotes clearly justified your points and thesis overall. The only thing I recommend is providing more commentary rather than summarize the evidence you provided through citations. Argue your thesis utilizing your evidence, rather than arguing your thesis through your evidence.
4. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric: 5
- The images accent the paper, but I would try and embed the pictures better into the discussion at hand, giving forth footnotes or commentary in regards to the pictures and relevance to the argument.
5. Proofreading: 5
Be careful with your use of passive voice and try to correct them, and fix minor grammatical errors including apostrophe use, commas, etc. Just read through your paper again, and mistakes can easily be fixed.
6. Documentation: 2
- You need to format your citations to Chicago Style. See the Chicago Style Manual.
7. Punctuation: 6
Your punctuation is great overall, but there are minor instances of flawy ideas and misconstrued thought because of syntactical structure and commas usage.
8. Word Choice: 4/5
Try and vary your sentence structure a little better, alternating complex, simple and compound sentences. Try and not repeat certain words like "however" too much. You use the same sentence structure overall repeatedly, so vary such.
9. Conciseness: 5
You have a tendency to use very wordy sentences, which weaken the argument because the overall topic of the sentence is lost in translation. Try rewording long, run on sentences to create a more succinct and easily interpreted argument.
William Gyrta
Sentence: “Similar he mentions that sprung rhythm feet are equally long and their seemingly inequality must be made up for by pauses, and must not be read or performed with an unequal rhythmic interpretation such as counterpoint”
Revision: “Similarly, he [Bridges] mentions that sprung rhythm feet are all of equal length, stressing that their seeming inequality should be accounted for through pauses, rather than utilizing an unequal rhythmic interpretation such as a counterpoint to make up for the difference in length.”
1. Unity, Coherence and Flow: 6
Thought you tied in the music portion of the essay very well. You may want to consider making it more explicit in your thesis statement for another readers’ sake but in my opinion, I kind of liked the surprise of discovering you performed the music. Other than that, quite good
2. Organization and Logical Order of Prose: 6
The paper flowed very well, everything was explained appropriately and placed in a linear order. I recommend against short hand paragraphs, as the smaller paragraphs give less emphasis to the longer ones. Try and fuse those smaller paragraphs into bigger ones.
3. Specificity and “Concreteness”: 6
The focus on Chopin was interesting. Perhaps you should define the term “legato” p.4 The paper overall moved great from general to specific commentary.
4. Integration of Verbal and Visual Rhetoric: 7
Again, you tied the musical portion in well. The media was a great touch, and greatly strengthened the overall message as the commentary directly overviews the material.
5. Proofreading: 5
Some minor grammatical errors, one of which is corrected here:
“Similarly, he mentions that sprung rhythm feet are equally long and their seemingly inequality must be made up for by pauses, and must not be read or performed with an unequal rhythmic interpretation such as counterpoint”
6. Documentation: 6
Great usage of Chicago style, i didn't see any mistakes.
7. Punctuation: Watch the comma usage, but other than that, it looks just fine.
8. Word Choice: 5
I would try explaining the musical terms you utilized in the paper because a lot of readers may not understand the exact terminology you used. Remember to treat the audience as if they have no prior knowledge about the basis of your paper.
9. Conciseness: 4
I would add a little more commentary to increase length and provide further justification for your assertion. Other than that, the paper was very straight forward, I would just add some more commentary for strengthening.
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